Beauty from Ashes

I never thought I would make it to a Mother's Day that my heart didn't ache for my momma. Honestly, I thought it would  always be a bittersweet reminder...a day to praise God for what I had but at the same time a day to mourn what was taken.

This year is different for me.

I had hope that one day I would understand, but I thought it might be 10,000 years from now.

Instead it's today.

This year is the year I KNOW that God is always good, always sovereign. He sometimes allows terrible things to happen, because he knows how they can be used. God can work out anything for the good of those who love him.
 
To all who mourn in Israel, he will give a crown of beauty for ashes, a joyous blessing instead of mourning, festive praise instead of despair. In their righteousness, they will be like great oaks that the LORD has planted for his own glory. Isaiah 61:3

Today, I know how beauty came from ashes.

A broken, hurt, little girl came to us 18 months ago. A beautiful, sweet baby whose suffering brought terrible anxiety into her heart. Rages, tantrums, control, impulsiveness had taken over. I've not fooled anyone by painting a beautiful picture of adoption....although it has been beautiful at times. I've been honest about how hard it's been too, because for one we haven't been able to do this alone. We've desperately needed your prayers. I have some wonderful sisters in Christ who have held us up before the throne when we were too exhausted to lift our own arms. And I thank you, my friends. The second reason we've laid it all out there is I want everyone to see adoption the way I see it. It has been more clear a picture of the gospel than anything else I've seen on this earth. It is a constant reminder that this is what Jesus did for me. In my ugliest, awful moments, at my worst God watched his son die on the cross for me. I continue to sin and disobey. I've had a dissapointing performance since my salvation......and he knew I would fail him.....and he chose me to be his daughter anyway. It's his beautiful, free grace that saves.

We came into our baby girl's story at her worse. And I wondered if we could be the kind of people who could do this. And then I realized we weren't, and we considered saying no. But where would that leave my girl? Would she continue to bounce from home to home? Would she grow more and more anxious and angry? Could I do this in my own strength?  The decision came down to my comfort or my baby having a momma.  And I knew what it was like to be without your mom. I also knew what it was like to have someone on this planet love you with that crazy, unconditional, always, forever mother's love. I knew my girl had never experienced it, and I wanted her to feel it. We were not the family patient enough, long-suffering enough, good enough to adopt her, but with the Spirit leading us we said yes to adopting her anyway. That's when God sent us on journey into a spiritual growth where we began to really, truly understand the gospel, what following Jesus means, and how powerful the Holy Spirit is. I wouldn't have chosen that journey had I not experienced the devastation of living on earth without my momma.

And now...I can be thankful for that suffering.

Because of it, I have a new daughter and I have been in the presence of God like never before.

Because of it, that little girl is safe, happy, being renewed, and learning about how much she is loved by her Abba Father. Her bedtime routine used to be hours of intense fear and screaming. I tucked her into bed a few nights ago and told her I loved her, and she said, "But God loves me even more than you, momma! He sings over me while I'm sleeping, and I pray to him if I have a scary dream. He hears me."

The situations satan would have loved to use for my harm and for my girl's harm, God used for good. He didn't let either of us suffer for nothing, but instead created a joyous blessing instead of mourning. A crown of beauty from ashes...

Every Moment Was Laid Out

August 2010- God places a foster child in my 3rd grade class.
The same month, McKenzie is conceived.

May 2011- I've spent 9 months getting to know this little girl, what her life has been like, and what foster care looks like through her eyes.
In May, McKenzie is born.

September 2011- I have to make a statement to the investigator about my student from last year. At home when asking Mike, "Where are all the Christian families? Why aren't they doing foster care?" I hear the Holy Spirit say, "Where are you?"

October 2012- For over a year, I keep pushing thoughts of foster care aside. But in October, I am studying the book of James. Chapter 4 verse 17, Remember it is sin to know what you ought to do and then not do it, convicts me. I know what God called us to do.
At 17 months old, McKenzie enters foster care.

October 2014- We meet McKenzie.

September 2015- She becomes our daughter.

Difficult Days

Watching her tiny little hands try to use her spoon to scoop up ice cream pulled at something in my heart. She flipped her spoon over before it made it to her mouth and she lost the hard-worked-for bite. She licked the back of the spoon while I tried to show her how to do it. "No, I do it all by my own self," she screamed. "All by your own self," I thought. I guess you have done a lot by your own self. Like maybe even learned to eat with a spoon by yourself. Or maybe your 4 moms you've had so far each taught you a different way to do every little thing a three year old knows how to do. By your own self you picked which of those ways was your way to do things. Or maybe you just had to relearn and adjust to someone else's expectations each time you changed moms and homes and families. She needs to belong somewhere to have someone who knows everything about her. My heart was so drawn to that need in that moment I just sat watching her. Then Luke blurts out, "Oh my gosh!!!! She's so uncoordinated it makes me want to punch her. We are going to be here forever!!!!!!" Geez. So much for that moment. We don't dare help her, though.  We avoid tantrums at all costs. I said, "Luke! When you were three"...and I described the funny, sweet, goofy, demanding, and even hard things that he brought to our family. I said, "And I loved you anyway!" Luke said, "I didn't say I didn't love her." I understand exactly what he is saying. I feel it too. I remember all those things about him- good and bad- with overwhelming love for him. I want to love her like that. But IT IS HARD. I didn't get those helpless, dependent newborn moments that fill your heart with a motherly love and protection, the joys of a first tooth, first step, first word. I didn't get to teach her the things that I taught my children that make my children a part of our family. I stepped into her terrible threes. Control issues from bouncing from caregiver to caregiver. Tantrums from battles between her will and mine. Food issues from knowing hungry. Anger from being forgotten. And it is hard. But I know my help comes from The Lord. After all, I am adopted into a family I didn't belong to. The world taught me how to do things it's way. I'm relearning. God is teaching me how. And how often do I look like a screaming toddler? I raise my fists, bitter attitudes, and angry words that I can't control what I want to have control of. I know the blessings that surround me, and I still scream: why can't I have a bigger house, buy nicer clothes, take longer vacations, travel more, have children that behave perfectly, have a job with no stress, have a home where everything runs my way. It's all so pointless and silly. Yet, I scream and beat my fist against the one who loves me with an unfailing love, who pours an abundance of blessings on me, who has prepared a place for me, who has bought me at the price of his son's blood. And yet I respond to him like a screaming toddler. But still...his love is unending....unconditional....unfailing. And so even knowing the cost, because I have been loved like that- I follow Him and I choose to love her on those difficult days. Then out of his gracious, merciful character he gives days that are beautiful, full of peace, joy, and laughter.

And I can believe that he has planned out each one of her days-and mine-before she ever lived the first one. 

Twisted

Foster care has its really good, happy, joyful days. It can also be extremely sad, super stressful, and downright annoying. My family loves to laugh. Because of that, we have developed a pretty twisted sense of humor since foster care. We laugh about things that most people would consider annoying or just wrong. I mean, you can laugh at how far from "normal" you've strayed, or you can cry. We choose laughter. We do realize these are things we shouldn't find humorous, so I think that is proof we haven't totally lost it. 

#1 We laugh hysterically during the prayer every night at dinner. Coke came out of my nose tonight. Cookie insist on saying/singing the prayer. No one has a clue what she's saying. I'm not sure it's English. Mike's pretty sure it's Arabic. I don't know. 

#2 We find our Cookie's rudeness pretty darn funny. Yep, we are those annoying people at the ballpark with the obnoxious kid they just laugh at---those folks I said I WOULD NEVER BE. When you speak to our little one out in public and she says, "Your breath stinks! It smells like cat!!!!" Mike and I will probably laugh uncontrollably. We have such BIGGER issues. Social etiquette can wait. Remember we just met this kid, and this is not our fault. 

#3 Cookie's confusion about what a family is breaks my heart, and in this moment there is absolutely nothing I can do about it. Until she has permanency, I don't think she will ever understand what a family is.

Cookie: Are you my daddy?!

Mike: Yes I'm your daddy.

Cookie: Are you mommy's daddy?!

Mike: No, I'm mommy's husband.

Cookie: Well, who brought you here?! 

Because everybody joins a family via social workers, right?

We've tried to explain getting married and having a family. Then she started asking Grace to marry her. We've confirmed for her that babies come from their mommy's belly. I told her that's how I became Levi, Luke, and Grace's mommy. She first decided that she would grow little and be a baby. Then she decided that she probably had a baby in her belly. 

#4 Sometimes people screw up all the work you've done. Sometimes it's funny. 

Cookie: Luke, what's your momma's name? 

Me: Cookie! You know I am Luke's momma. 

Luke: Sandra 

Me: Luke! That's not funny!!! You know she's confused! Cookie, I'm Luke's momma. 

Cookie: Sandra? Does she have a car?

Me: Cookie! I'm Luke's momma!

Levi: Cookie you've lived here for months. You know that's our momma. 

Luke: Yeh she has a car, and she has toys too. 

Me: Stop it! This is not funny to me! (At which point I start to laugh.)

Cookie: Can I go with you to your momma's house one day?

Me: Cookie! He is just kidding. I am Luke's momma!

Cookie: Does your momma have a IPad?!

#5 $25 and 15 minutes after walking in we shut down the indoor pool at Gulf Shores. As we left, the lifeguard said that she hoped Cookie felt better soon. I responded, "She's fine! She's just a brat!"  Her face said she might report us to DHR, but they haven't called us or anything. We had to drive around for an hour afterwards as my blood pressure went down. However retelling the story, especially when Cookie describes "pookin" in the pool, is now pretty funny.

#6 We now know we need to include everyone's gender when we introduce our family to our new placements. I was helping Cookie fill out her Valentines cards. She was giving Elsa cards to girls and Olaf cards to boys. She chose an Elsa card for Blake. I said something about it being a girl card, but I didn't think Blake would mind. She looks at me so seriously and says, "What is Blake?!" Long story short for four months she thought Blake was a girl. 

#7 Being manipulated by a three year old can be pretty funny. I had my alarm clock set for the two hour weather delay we had the day before and I woke up  15 minutes before I needed to get 6 people showered, dressed, and out the door. I said, "Cookie, if you will let Grace help you get ready this morning, I will give you a piece of candy when we get in the car." Her response, "Two pieces." 

#8 During our initial home study visit, our licensing worker had this huge issue with our fish cooker. Mike is a welder, and he had made a really nice big pot. It's perfect for shrimp boils! It was sitting on the back porch, because we had just used it the weekend before. I thought she was upset about having the tank of gas on our porch. When she left though, Mike told me she probably thought we were cooking meth. Now every time we go through a home inspection you can find a list on our dry erase board with things like replace smoke detector batteries, vacuum rug, hide meth cooker. Each visit, we sit and look at the list and debate if we should erase it before they come. 

#9 We've made a little DHR dictionary along the way. No disrespect to anyone. Just trying to survive with laughter. :)

DHR-soon Reality-could actually happen, eventually

DHR-for sure Reality-would make sense this way (but probably won't happen) 

DHR- a couple weeks Reality-2 to 4 months

DHR- looks like it will go this way Reality- a wild guess without taking into account 4 or 5 other agencies, judges, lawyers, relatives, etc. (My 12 year old who knows none of the facts would have equal chance of getting it right.)

DHR-you guys are great/thank you for doing such a good job/you give wonderful care to these little ones

Reality- Awesome. She's still alive.

When Love Is Not Enough

     I want to tell you what has been going on with us, but I've had the hardest time figuring out what part of it to share. The truth is I haven't figured it all out in my head yet or my heart either. Some of it I feel like isn't mine to share. And parts of it will paint some in a negative light. So I've tried to go back and really think: Bottom line, why am I writing a blog? 

To update family and friends?

To encourage foster parents, those serving or those who will be called to serve -maybe even through this blog? 

To tell the world about foster care and the ups and downs? 

To get my thoughts on paper...(or online) to help myself process?

Yes to all those, but ultimately 

to make His name known. 

    I am certain I was suppose to say yes to these girls. We tried really hard to make that yes work. Sometimes love is not enough...and that breaks my heart. I thought it was. Big Sis was desperate to go home-her real home. It's not happening, and I hurt for her.  

    All that paperwork to get licensed as foster parents? It's important. That ridiculous amount of times you have to write about your and your family's strengths and weaknesses? You better know them. 

    When you get that phone call, don't hope for the best case scenario. Listen closely. Read between the lines. Let your imagination run wild and expect that scenario. Then count the cost and see if you can do THAT. Because I don't wish the heartache of a disruption on anyone. 

     I know myself a little better than I did. I know my God better too. But I can't make sense of why I was certain in my yes and why that yes fell apart. I hope we were just a bridge Big Sis had to cross to get to a better place. 

      I'm confused, but I know Him. I know He is always good. I'm uncertain, but I trust Him. I couldn't help Big SIs when I wanted so badly to be able to. I'm not sure if I'll ever know the reason things happened the way they did. I'm okay with that. 

      God has been showing me that although serving through foster care is good, it's His gospel that rebuilds people's lives. My love wasn't enough, and it was never suppose to be enough. I understand I was never their savior anyway. 

     Cookie (3 yrs.) is here with us for now. She got stuck with the nickname after a pretty major tantrum over some sweets one night at dinner. I think of that nickname now: I think of her sweet voice, sweet little smile, sweet little arms spread out wide to show me how much she loves me. "Cookie" seems to fit that sweetness perfectly. It's funny how things can start one way and end differently. Maybe one day I'll see the end and understand everything in between. 

On Earth as it is in Heaven

I woke up a few days ago and my very first thoughts were Matthew 6:10. I have gone to bed before thinking about something and woke up with God's words on my mind. In Nicaragua the next morning after we had met the crazy lady that pulled out a knife, I woke up thinking, "He that is in me is greater than he that is in the world." This was a verse that I had heard before although it wasn't on my mind in that terrifying moment. But when I woke up thinking Matthew 6:10, the reference not the verse, I thought it was weird. I got out my bible and looked it up. I recognized it as part of the Lord's Prayer. I've kept rereading that verse and thinking about how it fits our situation. We have had a ROUGH 12 days. It is not easy to bring two new people into your family. Imagine those first two weeks with your newborn. Yes, all that. But with that same hope things will get easier. And some of those sweet moments that make you know it's worth it. I think this is the perfect verse to pray over our home. 

May your kingdom come. May your will be done on Earth as it is in Heaven. Matthew 6:10

Life Application commentary: When we pray, "May your will be done," we are not resigning ourselves to fate but praying God's perfect purpose will be accomplished in this world as well as the next. And how does God accomplish his will on Earth? He does it largely through people willing to obey him. This part of the prayer allows us to offer ourselves as doers of God's will, asking him to guide, lead, and give us the means to accomplish his purposes.

On Earth as it is in Heaven.......

In Heaven, every race of people will worship around the throne of God as one family. On Earth, let me, my family, and my friends accept the diversity these girls bring into our home. Unite us as one family.

God desires all his sons and daughters come to know him and share in his inheritance. May this home be the place these girls are loved as daughters, and the place they come to know their Savior. 

In Heaven, everything sad will be undone and joy and peace will replace every emotion. Let this home be the place they begin to heal. Turn their sadness into joy. Turn their anger and bitterness into peace. 

In Heaven, God will reign. Help us. Give us the strength, guidance, and desire to obey you.

In Heaven, God Almighty, the Great I Am, will be glorified. May we make your name known through your good works created for us to carry out. 

Crazy Family Update

Whew. I've written a post, but I'll wait to share it. Figured I need to catch you up. Chubby Cheeks left in June, but we will love that sweet baby girl and her precious family forever. We've been able to visit her, FaceTime, share pictures, and message her family. Her Aunt KK was one of the first people I asked to pray for me over this next placement. And she has been so, so good to Grace. 

Around September we got a call basically asking us to adopt an African-American 6 year old girl. We didn't go into this to adopt. And 6 was maybe older than we were ready for. And we have been mindful that we live in a predominately white community. Everyone knew we were doing this as a ministry to the whole birth family. Our kids would talk about what ifs and they were definitely open to it. Mike and I just wanted to be a really good place along children's way back to their families, and that's what we reminded the kids of when things were hard or sad. In that gap period from June to September we had really been praying for specific people to be moved to call us at the moment God was ready to use us. And then we get a call to adopt a child we have never met. When we had thought about adoption we always always imagined it as a child that had been in our home for years. We were shocked that calls like this one happen. We prayed and talked to each of our kids individually. It was a crazy mix of emotions and some of our reasoning for it or against it was stupid, but we ended up saying yes. You don't pray and pray for something to happen and then tell God, "oh never mind you don't have my specifics right."  We followed up with, "slam this door shut if we have this wrong." We continued to pray for this little one to find her forever family. And the door closed, and we were not her forever. But that opened the door for us that we could foster older than we were and adoption was now on the table. 

We got a call for the most beautiful, well behaved, sweetest little Hispanic 3 year old at the beginning of October. She just stayed a few days until returning to her family. A couple days later we did respite for a foster family for a 7 month old. She was a happy, perfect baby. A couple of weeks passed, and we got a call this past Tuesday for sisters ages 3 and 9. A year ago two would have scared me to death. A month ago a 9 year old would have been an automatic no. But God has gotten us to the point that we could say yes. And we did. 

And here's where you come in. We always get asked how long will you have them? It's a good question, and we always ask it too. Even though we know a billion things could happen, we want some sort of way of knowing, preparing, just having a clue what our family will look like next week, next month, next year. We usually use the next court date as an indicator for at least that long. This hasn't always worked either though. But this time we don't even have that. When we say we don't know, we truly don't know.

You want to know the back story. Why did they come into care? I normally say I don't know that much. This time when I say I don't know anything, I'm being completely honest. They've been in care for two years. I've heard more about the last foster home than about mom. And when she is ready to talk about it, I really want to keep the story between me and my daughter. 

My daughters. The 3 year old is a wild, silly, sweet, typical 3 year old. She has the sweetest little voice and will absolutely melt your heart when she sings "You are my Sunshine." I think she is running in high gear right now. We are hoping when we settle into a routine that she slows down. If she stays like this, then it will be like having Levi all over again. I can handle that. He turned out nicely around age 5. :) 

The 9 year old is intelligent, beautiful,  so aware and in tune to what's going on. She reminds me a lot of Grace actually. She says what she's thinking. She is hilarious. She understands adult things beyond her years, but she loves to play and cuddle and be taken care of. At the same time, she is a little momma. 

Even not knowing how long they will be here, even though Blake spends weekends with his family, when we are all living life together here in this house we are a family. I've began to understand a different definition of family anyway. It's really important to the 9 year old to define her situation. Within an hour she was in love with Grace and asked if Grace would mind if she told people she was her older sister. They are both calling us momma and dad. She met Levi as he came off the football field Thursday night. The next morning she asked Luke if he was her brother that played football. We've trick or treated, shopped, played. We've had so many good times already. We have laughed like crazy. We're exhausted. I have been saddened by what I've heard so far. I'm terrified our family's love won't be enough to sustain them for all they will face. Really huge mix of emotions from everyone. But we do know we are a safe place for them to lay their heads at night. We will teach them about Jesus. We can love them for sure. Pray for our family. We are going to be that crazy family. You know the one where kids just keep getting out of the car. Kids of all different colors and ages. Most of all pray for God's will over their lives. We will just wait on him. Until then we are going to be a family and love them like crazy.