When Love Is Not Enough

     I want to tell you what has been going on with us, but I've had the hardest time figuring out what part of it to share. The truth is I haven't figured it all out in my head yet or my heart either. Some of it I feel like isn't mine to share. And parts of it will paint some in a negative light. So I've tried to go back and really think: Bottom line, why am I writing a blog? 

To update family and friends?

To encourage foster parents, those serving or those who will be called to serve -maybe even through this blog? 

To tell the world about foster care and the ups and downs? 

To get my thoughts on paper...(or online) to help myself process?

Yes to all those, but ultimately 

to make His name known. 

    I am certain I was suppose to say yes to these girls. We tried really hard to make that yes work. Sometimes love is not enough...and that breaks my heart. I thought it was. Big Sis was desperate to go home-her real home. It's not happening, and I hurt for her.  

    All that paperwork to get licensed as foster parents? It's important. That ridiculous amount of times you have to write about your and your family's strengths and weaknesses? You better know them. 

    When you get that phone call, don't hope for the best case scenario. Listen closely. Read between the lines. Let your imagination run wild and expect that scenario. Then count the cost and see if you can do THAT. Because I don't wish the heartache of a disruption on anyone. 

     I know myself a little better than I did. I know my God better too. But I can't make sense of why I was certain in my yes and why that yes fell apart. I hope we were just a bridge Big Sis had to cross to get to a better place. 

      I'm confused, but I know Him. I know He is always good. I'm uncertain, but I trust Him. I couldn't help Big SIs when I wanted so badly to be able to. I'm not sure if I'll ever know the reason things happened the way they did. I'm okay with that. 

      God has been showing me that although serving through foster care is good, it's His gospel that rebuilds people's lives. My love wasn't enough, and it was never suppose to be enough. I understand I was never their savior anyway. 

     Cookie (3 yrs.) is here with us for now. She got stuck with the nickname after a pretty major tantrum over some sweets one night at dinner. I think of that nickname now: I think of her sweet voice, sweet little smile, sweet little arms spread out wide to show me how much she loves me. "Cookie" seems to fit that sweetness perfectly. It's funny how things can start one way and end differently. Maybe one day I'll see the end and understand everything in between. 

On Earth as it is in Heaven

I woke up a few days ago and my very first thoughts were Matthew 6:10. I have gone to bed before thinking about something and woke up with God's words on my mind. In Nicaragua the next morning after we had met the crazy lady that pulled out a knife, I woke up thinking, "He that is in me is greater than he that is in the world." This was a verse that I had heard before although it wasn't on my mind in that terrifying moment. But when I woke up thinking Matthew 6:10, the reference not the verse, I thought it was weird. I got out my bible and looked it up. I recognized it as part of the Lord's Prayer. I've kept rereading that verse and thinking about how it fits our situation. We have had a ROUGH 12 days. It is not easy to bring two new people into your family. Imagine those first two weeks with your newborn. Yes, all that. But with that same hope things will get easier. And some of those sweet moments that make you know it's worth it. I think this is the perfect verse to pray over our home. 

May your kingdom come. May your will be done on Earth as it is in Heaven. Matthew 6:10

Life Application commentary: When we pray, "May your will be done," we are not resigning ourselves to fate but praying God's perfect purpose will be accomplished in this world as well as the next. And how does God accomplish his will on Earth? He does it largely through people willing to obey him. This part of the prayer allows us to offer ourselves as doers of God's will, asking him to guide, lead, and give us the means to accomplish his purposes.

On Earth as it is in Heaven.......

In Heaven, every race of people will worship around the throne of God as one family. On Earth, let me, my family, and my friends accept the diversity these girls bring into our home. Unite us as one family.

God desires all his sons and daughters come to know him and share in his inheritance. May this home be the place these girls are loved as daughters, and the place they come to know their Savior. 

In Heaven, everything sad will be undone and joy and peace will replace every emotion. Let this home be the place they begin to heal. Turn their sadness into joy. Turn their anger and bitterness into peace. 

In Heaven, God will reign. Help us. Give us the strength, guidance, and desire to obey you.

In Heaven, God Almighty, the Great I Am, will be glorified. May we make your name known through your good works created for us to carry out. 

Crazy Family Update

Whew. I've written a post, but I'll wait to share it. Figured I need to catch you up. Chubby Cheeks left in June, but we will love that sweet baby girl and her precious family forever. We've been able to visit her, FaceTime, share pictures, and message her family. Her Aunt KK was one of the first people I asked to pray for me over this next placement. And she has been so, so good to Grace. 

Around September we got a call basically asking us to adopt an African-American 6 year old girl. We didn't go into this to adopt. And 6 was maybe older than we were ready for. And we have been mindful that we live in a predominately white community. Everyone knew we were doing this as a ministry to the whole birth family. Our kids would talk about what ifs and they were definitely open to it. Mike and I just wanted to be a really good place along children's way back to their families, and that's what we reminded the kids of when things were hard or sad. In that gap period from June to September we had really been praying for specific people to be moved to call us at the moment God was ready to use us. And then we get a call to adopt a child we have never met. When we had thought about adoption we always always imagined it as a child that had been in our home for years. We were shocked that calls like this one happen. We prayed and talked to each of our kids individually. It was a crazy mix of emotions and some of our reasoning for it or against it was stupid, but we ended up saying yes. You don't pray and pray for something to happen and then tell God, "oh never mind you don't have my specifics right."  We followed up with, "slam this door shut if we have this wrong." We continued to pray for this little one to find her forever family. And the door closed, and we were not her forever. But that opened the door for us that we could foster older than we were and adoption was now on the table. 

We got a call for the most beautiful, well behaved, sweetest little Hispanic 3 year old at the beginning of October. She just stayed a few days until returning to her family. A couple days later we did respite for a foster family for a 7 month old. She was a happy, perfect baby. A couple of weeks passed, and we got a call this past Tuesday for sisters ages 3 and 9. A year ago two would have scared me to death. A month ago a 9 year old would have been an automatic no. But God has gotten us to the point that we could say yes. And we did. 

And here's where you come in. We always get asked how long will you have them? It's a good question, and we always ask it too. Even though we know a billion things could happen, we want some sort of way of knowing, preparing, just having a clue what our family will look like next week, next month, next year. We usually use the next court date as an indicator for at least that long. This hasn't always worked either though. But this time we don't even have that. When we say we don't know, we truly don't know.

You want to know the back story. Why did they come into care? I normally say I don't know that much. This time when I say I don't know anything, I'm being completely honest. They've been in care for two years. I've heard more about the last foster home than about mom. And when she is ready to talk about it, I really want to keep the story between me and my daughter. 

My daughters. The 3 year old is a wild, silly, sweet, typical 3 year old. She has the sweetest little voice and will absolutely melt your heart when she sings "You are my Sunshine." I think she is running in high gear right now. We are hoping when we settle into a routine that she slows down. If she stays like this, then it will be like having Levi all over again. I can handle that. He turned out nicely around age 5. :) 

The 9 year old is intelligent, beautiful,  so aware and in tune to what's going on. She reminds me a lot of Grace actually. She says what she's thinking. She is hilarious. She understands adult things beyond her years, but she loves to play and cuddle and be taken care of. At the same time, she is a little momma. 

Even not knowing how long they will be here, even though Blake spends weekends with his family, when we are all living life together here in this house we are a family. I've began to understand a different definition of family anyway. It's really important to the 9 year old to define her situation. Within an hour she was in love with Grace and asked if Grace would mind if she told people she was her older sister. They are both calling us momma and dad. She met Levi as he came off the football field Thursday night. The next morning she asked Luke if he was her brother that played football. We've trick or treated, shopped, played. We've had so many good times already. We have laughed like crazy. We're exhausted. I have been saddened by what I've heard so far. I'm terrified our family's love won't be enough to sustain them for all they will face. Really huge mix of emotions from everyone. But we do know we are a safe place for them to lay their heads at night. We will teach them about Jesus. We can love them for sure. Pray for our family. We are going to be that crazy family. You know the one where kids just keep getting out of the car. Kids of all different colors and ages. Most of all pray for God's will over their lives. We will just wait on him. Until then we are going to be a family and love them like crazy.

Two!

To Cheeks,

Sweet girl, what a joy it was to love you. Hard days, easy days, fun days, sad days- everyday with you was a day worth living. I will always remember the moment we said yes to you. The moment I wrote your name down and listened to your story... The moment I woke you up and pulled you out of your car seat and you smiled at me....and waved to our dog. You are funny, sweet, smart, strong-willed and determined. All those qualities will serve you well if you let your creator and your redeemer mold them. Our greatest hope for you is that you will know Jesus and understand all he has done for you. You have always been and always will be loved and worthy of receiving that love. You are a precious daughter of a King. The King. King Jesus. Be his servant. Trust his plans for your life. Get to know him, so you will live in his blessings and his eternal promises. You came to us in sadness, but one day "all the sadness and tears and everything will seem like just a shadow that is chased away by the morning sun." * Live your life for that day!

Cheeks celebrated her second birthday at home with her family.

And we got to be there!

*The Jesus Storybook Bible

Like an Ever Flowing Spring

Feed the hungry, and help those in trouble.
Then your light will shine out from the darkness,
and the darkness around you will be as bright as noon.
The Lord will guide you continually,
Giving you water when you are dry
And restoring your strength.
You will be like a well-watered garden,
Like an ever flowing spring.
Some of you will rebuild the deserted ruins of your cities.
Then you will be known as a rebuilder of walls
and a restorer of homes.
Isaiah 58:10-12.

This is part of the chapter I read daily  in 2013. I want these verses painted on canvas, or the wall I don't care, somewhere in my house. Maybe right beside my front door, so I can read them over and over.

They sang "Place of Worship" at church this morning- the song I sang over Cheeks during those hard first few weeks. I could not breathe. How am I going to do this over and over again? How can I watch my family do it for years? How will we make it when a child stays a year, 2 years?

Give me the strength to say goodbye again and again and again.

And I kept hearing....like a well watered garden, like an ever flowing spring

Cheeks moved out of state with her daddy Friday. Her grandmother sent me a picture of her all ready for church this morning.

Restored

I think I just found my short answer to the question, "But don't you get attached?"

"Yes, but I live in the promises of God." Maybe I'll throw in, "check out Isaiah 58."

Believe Me, I'm Attached

"But don't you get attached? I would." I can't count the number of times I hear something similar to this a week. I was watching a talk show last week that did a feature on foster care. After several minutes of talking about the need for more foster families and even specific stories one in which a 4 year old died, the talk show host asked a foster family, "But...don't you get attached." You just reported that a child died. Died. But you are wondering how a family can do something that makes them sad? Seriously?
Would a paramedic say, "I can't work this wreck. There are children involved. It would make me sad afterwards." Would a surgeon say, "I can't operate on this baby. What if he doesn't make it. It would be so sad." How can Christians say, "I see a child that has been beaten nearly to death, but I don't want to take care of him. It would make me sad when he leaves my home." I get so tired of trying to answer this question. Sometimes, I answer it with grace the way I should. But I still can't really come up with a short answer. It also makes it hard that people ask me this at the strangest times. (To read the long answer scroll back to my post The End of Me). And sometimes you catch me in a moment of either hurt or frustration ...or just the craziness of this bunch of kids and I stumble over my words or smile silently to keep the tears from starting. Did you just hear our baby call my husband daddy? My kids introduce her as their sister? You don't think that pierces my soul when I know what lies ahead? You didn't see her run into my arms and plant a sloppy kiss on my cheek? Do you really want to know if I get attached? It's not really what you're asking is it? It's plain to see I'm attached. We're all attached. We'd be really crappy foster parents parents family Christians humans if we didn't get attached. These kids are desperate for love. Say what you really mean. Or do you even know what you really mean when you ask this question? I didn't understand it for the two years I fought against saying yes.
We are doing respite care for a one year old boy this week while his foster mom is on a mission trip. A mission trip where she will help a group spread the gospel. The gospel I believe is for the whole world to hear. The gospel I believe changes everything, is the answer to everything, is everything this whole life is about. Can I keep her kid while she goes? Oh... I went through my normal selfish list of ways it would inconvenience me this week before I said yes. Last night the two babies crawled back and forth down my long hallway. I chased after them and pretended like I was making them get back to the living room. They were both laughing that deep belly, can't catch my breath laugh. It stole my heart. I thought about how both these kids would be in foster care whether or not I was a part of foster care. I get the privilege of spending time with them.
"But I would get attached," is an excuse. It sounds more compassionate than, "I'm too selfish to live like that." I know it's an excuse, because it's what I used for years. And I'm still not over it. I ask God constantly to give me the power to get over my self.
Just be honest. Just say,  "I bet it's hard. I'm not willing to do it." I won't think you are a bad person. It is hard, and I know it's not for everyone. But will you stop trying to convince me that you love more than I do, so you choose to do nothing. It doesn't make any sense.

On Mother's Day

    Mother's Day is always bitter sweet for me. I am always so thankful for my 3 babies and my mother-in-law I love dearly. But of course, I think of my momma. I miss her terribly. How I wish she was here to walk this road with me. She would have fallen deeply in love with each of these babies. She would have been someone who "got" why we're doing this. Not many people do. She certainly softened my heart to see the needs around me as I grew up. For years, she thought about foster care. Then one day out of the blue she said yes to taking in a teenage mom with twin babies. We helped the girl move out of the home she was in. She moved everything she and her babies owned in big, black garbage bags. As the girl packed the car, my mom and I paused in the empty bedroom. I said, "I wonder how many times she's done this." I knew it had been many. Mom and I choked back tears. My heart was forever changed that day.
    We took Cheeks to visit with her brother Friday night at McDonalds. They were so excited to see each other. He said he hadn't seen his sister in forever! And he thought it had been a really long time since he had seen Grace (they've never met..ever). While they were playing, brother was trying to get my attention. Because he didn't know my name he called, "Hey (Cheek's) mom." It took my breath away. Grace's eyes met mine.
    The visit was great. The kids were so happy, and I enjoyed talking to brother's aunt. When we got in the car and drove away, Grace said, "That was so sad," and started sobbing. I so love that girl's heart. It's likely brother and sister will never again live under the same roof.
Please join us in praying for our baby girl, her brother, all the judges, lawyers, and social workers making decisions about her little life, her daddy, grandparents, and especially her mommy on Mother's Day.

Pray for me... as I miss my mom...as I love my kids...as I share a boy with his momma...as I stand in for Cheek's mommy.