The End of Me

At first, I wanted to build a wall around my heart. I wanted to take this baby girl into my home and from the beginning remember and live like it was temporary. I didn't want to get too attached. I wanted to love her well. I certainly wanted to take care of her by meeting her needs. But I wanted to protect my heart, because she is only mine for a short season. Over the past few weeks, I've found my walls have crumbled away. When I see sweet girl's smile or marvel at the beauty of her hazel eyes or hear her giggle or comb her sweet, crazy curls, I see a beautiful worthy creation of my precious God. Why would I want to build a wall between us? Sweet girl and me, me and God, sweet girl and her Savior???
Someone once said to me, "I would get attached. And if I had to give them back.........it'd be the end of me."

..... and I agree.

Yes, this is the end of me. This is where my fears suffocate me. This is where my desires stand center stage. This is where MY plans for MY life seem right. This is where I am unwilling to give my  schedule for His glory. This is where I want to stop, because I can't watch my own children suffer loss. This is where I question how I can parent another child when I'm not even a good enough mom to my own children. This is where I have to make sure there is time left for myself and I shout, "I have a right to think about me!" This is where I am tempted to say no, because saying yes will hurt so badly.

This IS the end of me.

But thank God this is not all of me. This is where I end and mercy and grace begin. This is where The Holy Spirit whispers, "It's not even about you." This is where Jesus answers "You are who I say you are. You are enough because I am more than enough." This is where God promises to heal my wounds. I trust He will make my faith and strength like an ever-flowing spring. This is where I become aware, truly aware, of time and live like there is an eternity that matters. This is where I learn to flesh out being Jesus to a lost world. This is where my family uses their unique spiritual gifts for His glory. This is where we take on a ministry in our home that isn't natural for us but is evident in scripture. This is where Jesus lets a little girl feel safe and loved even if its only for a while. This is where she hears His name.  This is where a seed may begin to grow...His words not to come back void. This might be where a broken daddy hears he has worth. It might be how he finds the One who will model what a father looks like.....This could be where Jesus brings repentance and restoration to a family that desperately needs Him. This is where I choose obedience and know it will bring suffering.

Sweet baby girl,  I'll recklessly love you. You are worth it.

Jesus, you're worth facing any fears. You are worth giving my time, my comfort, my tears, my heart. Thank you for taking me past the end of me, so I can make this about you.