Heart Checkup

We recently completed our 6 month "checkup" in our foster licensing. It was pretty painless. We mostly just had to turn some paperwork in.

I've been doing a self-checkup too. I've learned some, but not that much, about parenting kids from hard places in the last 6 months. I have learned a tremendous amount about myself. I don't like ANY of the things I've learned.

I am so selfish. I knew it to some extent, but I had no idea how bad it was. Man, foster care has really brought it to the light. With every call, my first thoughts are always about how it will affect me. My thoughts quickly go to how it will affect my children. But that's it. That's as far as my flesh takes me. "Me, my 4 (5 in my case), and no more" is a motto I never intended to take on but quietly slipped into place. Nothing in my physical body makes me want to love the people outside of my family. In fact, I fight against my flesh DAILY to love people. I did this foster thing to love kids AND their families. I really did it with the right intentions. But I really want it to be convenient for ME. Mom hasn't seen her baby girl in almost 4 weeks, but my first thought is, "I hope the visit doesn't interfere with Chubby Cheek's nap time, because that could totally ruin my evening when she comes back ill."

I think the world revolves around me. I am sacrificing. I sacrifice my time, my comfort, my money. I didn't have to do this, but I am. For the last three weeks we've come home to a baby that has had a hard time adjusting. We've seen some behaviors that make us sad, irritated, and really tired. All this means the world should look at me differently. Don't ask me to volunteer for your thing. Don't be mad when I forget something important. Don't be mad when I don't give extra. Don't be mad when I don't have time to act concerned about you. Don't ask anything else of me. Because I am sacrificing. And I can only think of myself, and you should be thinking about me too.

That's how I feel.

This is what I know.

We are called to put others above ourselves. We are called to live as servants. That's not a choice. It's a command. So if I don't get to kick back and read a book on Saturday morning or can't stay awake to watch my favorite tv show....nothing has been taken away from me.

Since you have heard about Jesus and have heard the truth that comes from Him, throw off your old sinful nature and your former way of life, which is corrupted by lust and deception. Instead, let the Spirit renew your thoughts and attitudes. Put on your new nature, created to be like God-truly righteous and holy.
Ephesians 4:21-24

I'm so thankful God gives me grace and sees me as a work in progress.

Friends, will you also give me grace?

Lord, help me see birth families through the eyes of grace. Help me give grace as much as I desire it.