What My Kids Have Taught Me About God part 2

I can't be a good parent. I swing back and forth between feeling like I'm doing a good job and feeling like I'll never get it right. Sometimes I think I'm doing really well. Then one of the kids will make a really rotten decision, say something really unloving, and/or I'll act like an idiot about it. I must be a terrible parent, because if I was a good mom we wouldn't struggle like this. Finally, I am beginning to learn I am not in control. I am not my kids' Holy Spirit. Only God can be that in their lives. I have a part in leading them to Him. But it doesn't end with me. Every good moment I've had teaching them spiritual things is nothing compared to the personal moments God will have with my children. There is a lot of freedom in that. It frees me of guilt and shame of past mistakes and fear of the future. It also gives me a glance of the grace that God gives to me and gives me a desire to show that same grace to my kids. None of us are perfect. I've been too cautious about letting them make their own choices and inevitably their own mistakes. I'm not lowering my standards for them and I will continue to teach them His ways, but I am freeing myself of fear. I am not alone. There is another power at work here. When I look at what my choices for them would have been and the opportunities God has given them, I rejoice I'm not in charge!

I would have chosen safety, tranquility, their own room, nicer clothing, more of my attention, more stuff, and more activities.

God led our family to other things.

He gave my boys a chance to share their clothes, shoes, and room with their friend. He lead them to chose to give up their bed and sleep on a futon mattress on the floor for months, so their friend could have a bed. He gives them conflict in the mornings when someone wears what one had thought about wearing, and He teaches them to give in unselfishly.

He led us to ask our daughter to give up having her own room. He's teaching her what it means to love the least of these. He is changing her heart to understand how important it is to be hopeful that anyone can change. He's broken her heart, so we can teach her who to run to.

Never would I have chosen these things for my children. They're too hard. Isn't everyone's desire for their children to have "magical", carefree, happy childhoods? It was exactly what I wanted for them, but God spoke to us so loudly we couldn't help but listen. We didn't choose this life. The choice isn't credited to us. He sought after us hard. It was everything I never wanted for my children. But through this lifestyle, God had these moments, these personal moments with each of my children, prepared to work in their favor and His glory. And I get to watch it all.