What My Kids Have Taught Me About God part 2

I can't be a good parent. I swing back and forth between feeling like I'm doing a good job and feeling like I'll never get it right. Sometimes I think I'm doing really well. Then one of the kids will make a really rotten decision, say something really unloving, and/or I'll act like an idiot about it. I must be a terrible parent, because if I was a good mom we wouldn't struggle like this. Finally, I am beginning to learn I am not in control. I am not my kids' Holy Spirit. Only God can be that in their lives. I have a part in leading them to Him. But it doesn't end with me. Every good moment I've had teaching them spiritual things is nothing compared to the personal moments God will have with my children. There is a lot of freedom in that. It frees me of guilt and shame of past mistakes and fear of the future. It also gives me a glance of the grace that God gives to me and gives me a desire to show that same grace to my kids. None of us are perfect. I've been too cautious about letting them make their own choices and inevitably their own mistakes. I'm not lowering my standards for them and I will continue to teach them His ways, but I am freeing myself of fear. I am not alone. There is another power at work here. When I look at what my choices for them would have been and the opportunities God has given them, I rejoice I'm not in charge!

I would have chosen safety, tranquility, their own room, nicer clothing, more of my attention, more stuff, and more activities.

God led our family to other things.

He gave my boys a chance to share their clothes, shoes, and room with their friend. He lead them to chose to give up their bed and sleep on a futon mattress on the floor for months, so their friend could have a bed. He gives them conflict in the mornings when someone wears what one had thought about wearing, and He teaches them to give in unselfishly.

He led us to ask our daughter to give up having her own room. He's teaching her what it means to love the least of these. He is changing her heart to understand how important it is to be hopeful that anyone can change. He's broken her heart, so we can teach her who to run to.

Never would I have chosen these things for my children. They're too hard. Isn't everyone's desire for their children to have "magical", carefree, happy childhoods? It was exactly what I wanted for them, but God spoke to us so loudly we couldn't help but listen. We didn't choose this life. The choice isn't credited to us. He sought after us hard. It was everything I never wanted for my children. But through this lifestyle, God had these moments, these personal moments with each of my children, prepared to work in their favor and His glory. And I get to watch it all.

What My Kids Have Taught Me About God part 1

My oldest son had terrible colic. He cried from stomach pain for the first 4 months of his life. On top of that for the first couple months, he had his days and nights mixed up. I remember rocking him many nights with tears flowing down my face from exhaustion as he cried for hours at a time. He slept in short spurts it seemed. It was overwhelming. Was I angry at my newborn? Of course not, he is my son. I know crying is just what babies do. I love him with everything in me, because he is mine.

I struggle with thinking I should be farther into sanctification than I am. I am angry when I recognize a sin and can't immediately lay it down and walk away. I begin to think that God is disappointed with my progress. I think if I can work on this certain thing more I can please Him. This way of thinking doesn't bring me closer to God. It makes me feel like I need to go away and come back when I've got it right. That is how I know it's a lie.

God looks at me how I looked at my newborn. There was nothing that precious boy could have done that would have made me love him less. I was crazy about him just because he was mine. Does sin make God angry? Yes, it does. Is God angry at me? Is there anything I could do to make him love me more? love me less? No. He knows sin is just what humans do. He loves me with everything in Him, because I am His.

But God showed his great love for us by sending Christ to die for us while we were still sinners. And since we have been made right in God’s sight by the blood of Christ, he will certainly save us from God’s condemnation. For since our friendship with God was restored by the death of his Son while we were still his enemies, we will certainly be saved through the life of his Son. So now we can rejoice in our wonderful new relationship with God because our Lord Jesus Christ has made us friends of God.

 Romans 5:8-11

Worship

There's a calm that covers me

When I kneel down at your feet

It's a place of healing

It's a place where I find freedom

I sang this song as I rocked her.  She's been in our home five weeks, and this is the first time she has ever let me rock her to sleep. During the day, she laughs, babbles, hugs, smiles, and kisses. But there are evenings and bedtimes when she thrashes about, bites, kicks, pinches, and scratches. The only way to get her down for the night is to lay her down alone in her crib in the complete dark and close the door. She pulls the cover over her head and sleeps peacefully. But how I have wanted her to know me, to trust me enough to fall asleep in my arms. As I sang to her tonight, she wrapped her little arms around me and patted my back. She tilted her forehead toward my kisses. And when I felt her body go limp in sleep, I worshiped the God who gives peace...the God who calms the soul.

He complains about his chore again tonight. It's his turn to wash dishes. Like all 15 year-olds, he tries to get out of it. And he has for 2 days. But if he lives here, then he lives here. He's no longer a guest. He's not getting away with it again today. In typical teenager form, he agrees to a bargain. He unloads the dishwasher and I load. Later as I come down the hall, I see him sitting alone in the bedroom looking at his phone. He has peace here in our home. I kiss him goodnight just like I do my boys, and he says "I love you." He has a mom, dad, grandparents, and brothers that love him, but he's part of my family too. And I worship the sovereign God that made our paths cross.

I worship you Lord for the peace and freedom I find in you.

It sounded so scary to love children that don't belong to you...won't always be with you...that you don't raise from the beginning...that might be different than your children...that might be broken and hurt and in chaos. It sounded like such a hard job. 

I'm so thankful God calmed my fears, because loving these two is the easiest thing I've ever done.

Heart Checkup

We recently completed our 6 month "checkup" in our foster licensing. It was pretty painless. We mostly just had to turn some paperwork in.

I've been doing a self-checkup too. I've learned some, but not that much, about parenting kids from hard places in the last 6 months. I have learned a tremendous amount about myself. I don't like ANY of the things I've learned.

I am so selfish. I knew it to some extent, but I had no idea how bad it was. Man, foster care has really brought it to the light. With every call, my first thoughts are always about how it will affect me. My thoughts quickly go to how it will affect my children. But that's it. That's as far as my flesh takes me. "Me, my 4 (5 in my case), and no more" is a motto I never intended to take on but quietly slipped into place. Nothing in my physical body makes me want to love the people outside of my family. In fact, I fight against my flesh DAILY to love people. I did this foster thing to love kids AND their families. I really did it with the right intentions. But I really want it to be convenient for ME. Mom hasn't seen her baby girl in almost 4 weeks, but my first thought is, "I hope the visit doesn't interfere with Chubby Cheek's nap time, because that could totally ruin my evening when she comes back ill."

I think the world revolves around me. I am sacrificing. I sacrifice my time, my comfort, my money. I didn't have to do this, but I am. For the last three weeks we've come home to a baby that has had a hard time adjusting. We've seen some behaviors that make us sad, irritated, and really tired. All this means the world should look at me differently. Don't ask me to volunteer for your thing. Don't be mad when I forget something important. Don't be mad when I don't give extra. Don't be mad when I don't have time to act concerned about you. Don't ask anything else of me. Because I am sacrificing. And I can only think of myself, and you should be thinking about me too.

That's how I feel.

This is what I know.

We are called to put others above ourselves. We are called to live as servants. That's not a choice. It's a command. So if I don't get to kick back and read a book on Saturday morning or can't stay awake to watch my favorite tv show....nothing has been taken away from me.

Since you have heard about Jesus and have heard the truth that comes from Him, throw off your old sinful nature and your former way of life, which is corrupted by lust and deception. Instead, let the Spirit renew your thoughts and attitudes. Put on your new nature, created to be like God-truly righteous and holy.
Ephesians 4:21-24

I'm so thankful God gives me grace and sees me as a work in progress.

Friends, will you also give me grace?

Lord, help me see birth families through the eyes of grace. Help me give grace as much as I desire it.

Dear Momma

Dear Momma,
Your precious chubby-cheeked baby girl gave me the sweetest, squishiest good night kiss tonight. She's beautiful. So sweet. Her crinkled-nose smile lights up our home. I'm sure the absence of it brings you darkness. What I thought was such an inconvenience today turned out to be divinely appointed. We had to see your doctor today instead of ours. I got to see the look of surprise on the doctor's and nurses' faces when I explained who I was. The doctor went through Chubby Cheek's history with me. You sat there in that same spot only three weeks ago. I heard about how you took her in for ear infections, immunizations, and fevers. I heard about which medicine proved to work last time she had an earache. We got that same one.  There were a couple of times you took her in only to be told it was a virus. I wonder if you felt like I do when I hear that, "well, better safe than sorry," or "I should have waited a little longer." I want you to know I still think you are a good mom. Most people assume we became foster parents to adopt, but we began fostering to love your baby ...and you. Mistakes and all we love you. I've heard what happened. I have walked in similar shoes, and I understand how it could have happened. In my mind, I chose the same as you more than once. The difference is my thoughts stayed thoughts, and yours became action. The difference- I have forgiveness and the Holy Spirit to redirect my thoughts, but your actions are broadcasted aloud in a courtroom. I'm so sorry you didn't have help. I'm sorry you felt hopelessness that lead you to where you went.
I hope to know you. I want to tell you how we are the same. I want to tell you why I'm different. I want you to know there is hope. I want you to know Him.

Love,
Your Friend

Plans are for Sissies

If you know me, you know my life revolves around plans. Being a teacher, my daily life is planned out weeks in advance. I have very carefully planned out my personal life, too. Mike and I were married while I was on winter break in college. Nine months later I got pregnant. Nine months later I had Levi two weeks after the spring semester ended. Nine months later I got pregnant with Luke. Nine months later he was born the day after I graduated from college. Mike got a little nervous about baby #3, so 11 months later we got pregnant. Nine months later Grace was born. I wanted to be a stay-home mom until Grace started school. I started to work on the day Grace started Kindergarten. I like a good plan.

Then enter the world of foster care. It’s messing with my mind.

Monday- Call #1 Can you take a 6 month old? We go buckle in the infant carrier.

Call #2 How about her 2 year old sister too just for tonight? We buckle in the other carseat.

 

Tuesday- Call #1 They actually found another foster family to take both of the girls. Their case worker will come pick them both up today. We pack up all their things. And then we get snowed in. And our dryer breaks. Mike works on it enough that we can get a few more months out of it.

Call #2 Do you think you could keep them both until Friday?

 

Friday- We pack them up again. Call #1 I haven’t heard from the case worker yet, but I am coming at 2:00 to meet them, visit with you guys, and get some paperwork done.

Call #2 Can you keep them until Monday? I wish we could keep them forever.

 

Monday- We pack them up again. I take them to daycare and leave all their things for the SW to pick up. Call from daycare- They haven’t been picked up yet. I go to daycare to get them. I put all their stuff back in my car. They are picked up at my house Monday evening. They drive away as the 2 year old is screaming, “I want you, Grace!”

 

Tuesday- Can you take a three year old tomorrow? I meet a friend to pick up a booster seat that night. I will need to leave right after work the next day.

 

Wednesday- Mike works through lunch, so he can leave early. We get someone to take the big kids to church, so we can go pick her up. Something happened at court. Can you pick her up Friday afternoon? Mike and I go out to eat instead.

 

Friday- Mike is off work. He changes the convertible baby bed to a toddler bed. I leave work a few minutes early. I pick him up. We head to Birmingham. Call #1 We don’t know what the court has decided yet. But Mike and I continue driving so they won’t be waiting on us to get there when a decision is made. As we get off the interstate we get a call. Call #2 She will not be going into care. Mike and I grab a doughnut and coffee and head back home.

 

Monday- Call #1 Something happened can you still take her? The case worker will be there at 4:15. The kids and I do a mad dash to clean the house. 4:15 comes and goes. Mike comes home. We debate starting dinner. Do we want to be eating when they come in? 5:00 We decide they can watch us eat. Call #2 Something happened at court. It will reconvene Thursday. We will bring her to you at 4:15.

 

Thursday- They finally bring THE DIVA. She has our hearts immediately. 

Saturday- Our washing machine floods our laundry room. Mike knocks the back screen door off getting the washer outside.

 

Sunday- My awesome mother-in-law buys The Diva a complete new wardrobe which she sings about all the way home.

 

Monday- The Diva and I argue about wearing her church dress to daycare. “But it’s sooooo pretty!”  We choose a super cute shirt and blue jeans instead, a headband, earrings, and new shoes. This gal is going to give me that girly experience I failed to squeeze out of Grace. Yay! She eats dinner in a Strasburg Lace dress which we can wash in our new washer and dryer.

 

Tuesday- I leave the best dressed Diva at daycare. She’s happier today but still nervous. I cup her face in my hands and promise her I am coming back. I will not leave her here. I will come back. Call #1 The Diva is being picked up from daycare to be moved to a relative’s care. They aren’t able to wait until you get out of school and can say goodbye or pack up her things. Later that night Call #2 Are you ready for a new placement…..or do you need some time to rest? There’s a 1 year old and a 3 year old. They will come Thursday.

 

Wednesday- Mike changes the toddler bed back to a baby bed. I get a message that says we need to be prepared for a long term placement. Perhaps even as long as two years. We do some serious praying and talking to each of the kids.

 

Thursday- Our worker waits in our living room with us. About the time she shows us a picture of one of the girls….Call #1- Just wanted to let you know that the girls went to family. I tell my worker, “I’m Okay. Call me tomorrow if you need us.” I fully expect her call.

 

Friday- Call #1 Can you take an 18 month old Monday?

 

Saturday- Mike hauls off the old washer and dryer and backdoor. Later that evening, the boys’ closest shelving falls to the ground.

 

Do you feel my confusion? frustrations?

 

Why would God choose a ministry for us that goes so very against our nature?

 

Because it’s not about us.

 

It’s for His glory not ours.

 

I’ve been pretty amazed with my sweet husband. He reminded me that we felt God calling us to love on kids and help families as they are being restored. He said, “It doesn’t matter if they are here 30 minutes or 3 years. While they are here they are not being abused, molested, or neglected. While they are here they will be fed, warm, and loved on. We don’t need some great master plan. We just do what we know we are supposed to do….with no timeframe.  And Jesus says it is just like we are doing it for Him.”

 

So, I’ll try to wake up each morning and not plan my day. I’ll surrender it to Him instead….to whatever He has for me this day. I’ll let Him do the planning. And I’ll try to go with it, but it won’t be easy for this planner. I don’t like giving up control…………..ugh, hard to admit this, but it’s what my actions reflect….I don’t believe God has a better plan than me. Lord, forgive me and draw me closer.

 

It’s okay if I can’t adapt and be all flexible and accommodating to this crazy life of fostering. Instead of looking like I can handle this….I’ll find joy in knowing He will get me through it.

 

Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me. For the sake of Christ, then, I am content with weaknesses, insults, hardships, persecutions, and calamities. For when I am weak, then I am strong.

                                                                                                                2 Corinthians 12: 9-10

Anxious

I'm anxiously awaiting our new placement. Our snow babies stayed even longer than expected and went home Monday. The next day we got a call for a three year old. Some unexpected things happened, and we had to wait a couple more days to get her. We are so excited to meet her. We talked about the possible behaviors we might see from a three-and-a-half-year old coming into foster care. This could be tough. Small children consume your freedom and comfort in the best of circumstances anyway. Those snow babies about wore us out. I started thinking about why I am so excited for something that will be so hard. I figured it out this morning.

In my Bible study this morning, I read a story about a man who's grandmother had passed away. After 50 years of marriage his grandfather was just lost. Trying to ease some of the loneliness the man went and spent the night with his grandfather. They enjoyed each other's company that evening, and when it was time to go to bed the grandfather asked what the man would like to have for breakfast. The man gave his request and went to bed. Later he got up for a drink of water. He walked into the kitchen to find a lavishly set table. His grandfather was so excited to serve him breakfast. He was anxious about the fellowship he was going to have with his grandson come morning.

I can't wait to meet this little person today. I can't wait to see what she looks like, her personality, her voice. But I am so anxious for the opportunity to serve God. Anxiously awaiting for it to begin, because the fellowship during it is so good. And to think that he has already set this up in anticipation of spending time with me....well, that just overwhelms me.