Today we gave Baby V to her daddy to go home permanently. There is peace in my heart. He's fought long and hard for what was his. Part of my soul rejoices with him. Part of me finds joy in knowing that V will never feel unwanted. When she has a longing that any little girl would have for her mom, she will hear the story of how her daddy fought with everything in him to get her. And I pray that will make up for what's missing.
As a mom, I'm having mixed emotions. I felt pure joy watching V's daddy tear up with relief and satisfaction. His battle finally won. I was .....can't think of a word worthy of my feelings...when he started his statement to the lawyers with "I want her foster parents to stay a part of our lives." This case is beautiful, sad but still beautiful. Everyone did their job well. This story has a happy ending. Then I watched my children lose her. They can't really understand the magnitude of what has happened here. Yes, my children are heartbroken. And yes, I knew it would come. And yes, I chose to do it to them. I've counted the cost. I have thought through everything before V ever entered our door. It's only been a few months, but it was so easy to fall in love quickly. And in the day to day living it was very hard to stop your mind from picturing what forever could have looked like.
Loss is hard. People's automatic response to foster care is, "I could never do that. I could never give them back." But you could. If you don't then who will? Someone who won't love them wholeheartedly? Do they deserve that? That precious baby girl deserved to be loved... and grieved. God says, "My power is made perfect in weakness." There's no way I can do this, but because of His power I will.
Tonight I have to keep reminding myself that this is not about my kids. It's easy to forget. So why didn't we wait until our children were older or moved out or could fully understand? This is why:
If you love your father or mother more than me you love me, you are not worthy of being mine; or if you love your son or daughter more than me, you are not worthy of being mine. If you refuse to take up your cross and follow me, you are not worthy of being mine. If you cling to your life, you will lose it; but if you give up your life for me, you will find it.
This is the life scripture says to live. It's not about me. It's not about my kids. It's not even about V. It's about Him.
Back in January, we sat our kids down and read them the scriptures that we believed called us to move forward with this thought of foster care. I think of all that has happened this past year. The fear, the spiritual warfare, the kinks, the answered prayers, God drawing us nearer, learning who Jesus really is and what he asks of us, the changes I see in us-We are no where close to what we should be, but I want to always keep moving in that direction!
There have been so many "I could never"s laid down and replaced with "With His power I could." Some of those nevers I spoke aloud and some were hidden in my heart as I said no to fully trusting God. I said I could never have the time or resources for more kids. Turns out I do. I said I could never invite a child older than my kids into my home, but I did. I love that boy so much. I could never go back to diapers, crying, and waking in the night, but I did. I could never love a birth family and cheer for their reunification, but I have. I could never love a baby and give her up, but I am. It was all worth it. Jesus is so worth it. It was all beautiful and broken and happy and sad. It was all full of God's presence. And that made it worth it. Oh how I hope that each year of our lives we will experience God like we have this year!
Clinging to His Promises of Healing,
Mandy
Isaiah 58:7-12
Matthew 25:34-40 Mark 9:36-37 Acts 4:32-35 Galatians 5:13-14 James 1:27
