On Earth as it is in Heaven

I woke up a few days ago and my very first thoughts were Matthew 6:10. I have gone to bed before thinking about something and woke up with God's words on my mind. In Nicaragua the next morning after we had met the crazy lady that pulled out a knife, I woke up thinking, "He that is in me is greater than he that is in the world." This was a verse that I had heard before although it wasn't on my mind in that terrifying moment. But when I woke up thinking Matthew 6:10, the reference not the verse, I thought it was weird. I got out my bible and looked it up. I recognized it as part of the Lord's Prayer. I've kept rereading that verse and thinking about how it fits our situation. We have had a ROUGH 12 days. It is not easy to bring two new people into your family. Imagine those first two weeks with your newborn. Yes, all that. But with that same hope things will get easier. And some of those sweet moments that make you know it's worth it. I think this is the perfect verse to pray over our home. 

May your kingdom come. May your will be done on Earth as it is in Heaven. Matthew 6:10

Life Application commentary: When we pray, "May your will be done," we are not resigning ourselves to fate but praying God's perfect purpose will be accomplished in this world as well as the next. And how does God accomplish his will on Earth? He does it largely through people willing to obey him. This part of the prayer allows us to offer ourselves as doers of God's will, asking him to guide, lead, and give us the means to accomplish his purposes.

On Earth as it is in Heaven.......

In Heaven, every race of people will worship around the throne of God as one family. On Earth, let me, my family, and my friends accept the diversity these girls bring into our home. Unite us as one family.

God desires all his sons and daughters come to know him and share in his inheritance. May this home be the place these girls are loved as daughters, and the place they come to know their Savior. 

In Heaven, everything sad will be undone and joy and peace will replace every emotion. Let this home be the place they begin to heal. Turn their sadness into joy. Turn their anger and bitterness into peace. 

In Heaven, God will reign. Help us. Give us the strength, guidance, and desire to obey you.

In Heaven, God Almighty, the Great I Am, will be glorified. May we make your name known through your good works created for us to carry out. 

Crazy Family Update

Whew. I've written a post, but I'll wait to share it. Figured I need to catch you up. Chubby Cheeks left in June, but we will love that sweet baby girl and her precious family forever. We've been able to visit her, FaceTime, share pictures, and message her family. Her Aunt KK was one of the first people I asked to pray for me over this next placement. And she has been so, so good to Grace. 

Around September we got a call basically asking us to adopt an African-American 6 year old girl. We didn't go into this to adopt. And 6 was maybe older than we were ready for. And we have been mindful that we live in a predominately white community. Everyone knew we were doing this as a ministry to the whole birth family. Our kids would talk about what ifs and they were definitely open to it. Mike and I just wanted to be a really good place along children's way back to their families, and that's what we reminded the kids of when things were hard or sad. In that gap period from June to September we had really been praying for specific people to be moved to call us at the moment God was ready to use us. And then we get a call to adopt a child we have never met. When we had thought about adoption we always always imagined it as a child that had been in our home for years. We were shocked that calls like this one happen. We prayed and talked to each of our kids individually. It was a crazy mix of emotions and some of our reasoning for it or against it was stupid, but we ended up saying yes. You don't pray and pray for something to happen and then tell God, "oh never mind you don't have my specifics right."  We followed up with, "slam this door shut if we have this wrong." We continued to pray for this little one to find her forever family. And the door closed, and we were not her forever. But that opened the door for us that we could foster older than we were and adoption was now on the table. 

We got a call for the most beautiful, well behaved, sweetest little Hispanic 3 year old at the beginning of October. She just stayed a few days until returning to her family. A couple days later we did respite for a foster family for a 7 month old. She was a happy, perfect baby. A couple of weeks passed, and we got a call this past Tuesday for sisters ages 3 and 9. A year ago two would have scared me to death. A month ago a 9 year old would have been an automatic no. But God has gotten us to the point that we could say yes. And we did. 

And here's where you come in. We always get asked how long will you have them? It's a good question, and we always ask it too. Even though we know a billion things could happen, we want some sort of way of knowing, preparing, just having a clue what our family will look like next week, next month, next year. We usually use the next court date as an indicator for at least that long. This hasn't always worked either though. But this time we don't even have that. When we say we don't know, we truly don't know.

You want to know the back story. Why did they come into care? I normally say I don't know that much. This time when I say I don't know anything, I'm being completely honest. They've been in care for two years. I've heard more about the last foster home than about mom. And when she is ready to talk about it, I really want to keep the story between me and my daughter. 

My daughters. The 3 year old is a wild, silly, sweet, typical 3 year old. She has the sweetest little voice and will absolutely melt your heart when she sings "You are my Sunshine." I think she is running in high gear right now. We are hoping when we settle into a routine that she slows down. If she stays like this, then it will be like having Levi all over again. I can handle that. He turned out nicely around age 5. :) 

The 9 year old is intelligent, beautiful,  so aware and in tune to what's going on. She reminds me a lot of Grace actually. She says what she's thinking. She is hilarious. She understands adult things beyond her years, but she loves to play and cuddle and be taken care of. At the same time, she is a little momma. 

Even not knowing how long they will be here, even though Blake spends weekends with his family, when we are all living life together here in this house we are a family. I've began to understand a different definition of family anyway. It's really important to the 9 year old to define her situation. Within an hour she was in love with Grace and asked if Grace would mind if she told people she was her older sister. They are both calling us momma and dad. She met Levi as he came off the football field Thursday night. The next morning she asked Luke if he was her brother that played football. We've trick or treated, shopped, played. We've had so many good times already. We have laughed like crazy. We're exhausted. I have been saddened by what I've heard so far. I'm terrified our family's love won't be enough to sustain them for all they will face. Really huge mix of emotions from everyone. But we do know we are a safe place for them to lay their heads at night. We will teach them about Jesus. We can love them for sure. Pray for our family. We are going to be that crazy family. You know the one where kids just keep getting out of the car. Kids of all different colors and ages. Most of all pray for God's will over their lives. We will just wait on him. Until then we are going to be a family and love them like crazy.

Two!

To Cheeks,

Sweet girl, what a joy it was to love you. Hard days, easy days, fun days, sad days- everyday with you was a day worth living. I will always remember the moment we said yes to you. The moment I wrote your name down and listened to your story... The moment I woke you up and pulled you out of your car seat and you smiled at me....and waved to our dog. You are funny, sweet, smart, strong-willed and determined. All those qualities will serve you well if you let your creator and your redeemer mold them. Our greatest hope for you is that you will know Jesus and understand all he has done for you. You have always been and always will be loved and worthy of receiving that love. You are a precious daughter of a King. The King. King Jesus. Be his servant. Trust his plans for your life. Get to know him, so you will live in his blessings and his eternal promises. You came to us in sadness, but one day "all the sadness and tears and everything will seem like just a shadow that is chased away by the morning sun." * Live your life for that day!

Cheeks celebrated her second birthday at home with her family.

And we got to be there!

*The Jesus Storybook Bible

Like an Ever Flowing Spring

Feed the hungry, and help those in trouble.
Then your light will shine out from the darkness,
and the darkness around you will be as bright as noon.
The Lord will guide you continually,
Giving you water when you are dry
And restoring your strength.
You will be like a well-watered garden,
Like an ever flowing spring.
Some of you will rebuild the deserted ruins of your cities.
Then you will be known as a rebuilder of walls
and a restorer of homes.
Isaiah 58:10-12.

This is part of the chapter I read daily  in 2013. I want these verses painted on canvas, or the wall I don't care, somewhere in my house. Maybe right beside my front door, so I can read them over and over.

They sang "Place of Worship" at church this morning- the song I sang over Cheeks during those hard first few weeks. I could not breathe. How am I going to do this over and over again? How can I watch my family do it for years? How will we make it when a child stays a year, 2 years?

Give me the strength to say goodbye again and again and again.

And I kept hearing....like a well watered garden, like an ever flowing spring

Cheeks moved out of state with her daddy Friday. Her grandmother sent me a picture of her all ready for church this morning.

Restored

I think I just found my short answer to the question, "But don't you get attached?"

"Yes, but I live in the promises of God." Maybe I'll throw in, "check out Isaiah 58."

Believe Me, I'm Attached

"But don't you get attached? I would." I can't count the number of times I hear something similar to this a week. I was watching a talk show last week that did a feature on foster care. After several minutes of talking about the need for more foster families and even specific stories one in which a 4 year old died, the talk show host asked a foster family, "But...don't you get attached." You just reported that a child died. Died. But you are wondering how a family can do something that makes them sad? Seriously?
Would a paramedic say, "I can't work this wreck. There are children involved. It would make me sad afterwards." Would a surgeon say, "I can't operate on this baby. What if he doesn't make it. It would be so sad." How can Christians say, "I see a child that has been beaten nearly to death, but I don't want to take care of him. It would make me sad when he leaves my home." I get so tired of trying to answer this question. Sometimes, I answer it with grace the way I should. But I still can't really come up with a short answer. It also makes it hard that people ask me this at the strangest times. (To read the long answer scroll back to my post The End of Me). And sometimes you catch me in a moment of either hurt or frustration ...or just the craziness of this bunch of kids and I stumble over my words or smile silently to keep the tears from starting. Did you just hear our baby call my husband daddy? My kids introduce her as their sister? You don't think that pierces my soul when I know what lies ahead? You didn't see her run into my arms and plant a sloppy kiss on my cheek? Do you really want to know if I get attached? It's not really what you're asking is it? It's plain to see I'm attached. We're all attached. We'd be really crappy foster parents parents family Christians humans if we didn't get attached. These kids are desperate for love. Say what you really mean. Or do you even know what you really mean when you ask this question? I didn't understand it for the two years I fought against saying yes.
We are doing respite care for a one year old boy this week while his foster mom is on a mission trip. A mission trip where she will help a group spread the gospel. The gospel I believe is for the whole world to hear. The gospel I believe changes everything, is the answer to everything, is everything this whole life is about. Can I keep her kid while she goes? Oh... I went through my normal selfish list of ways it would inconvenience me this week before I said yes. Last night the two babies crawled back and forth down my long hallway. I chased after them and pretended like I was making them get back to the living room. They were both laughing that deep belly, can't catch my breath laugh. It stole my heart. I thought about how both these kids would be in foster care whether or not I was a part of foster care. I get the privilege of spending time with them.
"But I would get attached," is an excuse. It sounds more compassionate than, "I'm too selfish to live like that." I know it's an excuse, because it's what I used for years. And I'm still not over it. I ask God constantly to give me the power to get over my self.
Just be honest. Just say,  "I bet it's hard. I'm not willing to do it." I won't think you are a bad person. It is hard, and I know it's not for everyone. But will you stop trying to convince me that you love more than I do, so you choose to do nothing. It doesn't make any sense.

On Mother's Day

    Mother's Day is always bitter sweet for me. I am always so thankful for my 3 babies and my mother-in-law I love dearly. But of course, I think of my momma. I miss her terribly. How I wish she was here to walk this road with me. She would have fallen deeply in love with each of these babies. She would have been someone who "got" why we're doing this. Not many people do. She certainly softened my heart to see the needs around me as I grew up. For years, she thought about foster care. Then one day out of the blue she said yes to taking in a teenage mom with twin babies. We helped the girl move out of the home she was in. She moved everything she and her babies owned in big, black garbage bags. As the girl packed the car, my mom and I paused in the empty bedroom. I said, "I wonder how many times she's done this." I knew it had been many. Mom and I choked back tears. My heart was forever changed that day.
    We took Cheeks to visit with her brother Friday night at McDonalds. They were so excited to see each other. He said he hadn't seen his sister in forever! And he thought it had been a really long time since he had seen Grace (they've never met..ever). While they were playing, brother was trying to get my attention. Because he didn't know my name he called, "Hey (Cheek's) mom." It took my breath away. Grace's eyes met mine.
    The visit was great. The kids were so happy, and I enjoyed talking to brother's aunt. When we got in the car and drove away, Grace said, "That was so sad," and started sobbing. I so love that girl's heart. It's likely brother and sister will never again live under the same roof.
Please join us in praying for our baby girl, her brother, all the judges, lawyers, and social workers making decisions about her little life, her daddy, grandparents, and especially her mommy on Mother's Day.

Pray for me... as I miss my mom...as I love my kids...as I share a boy with his momma...as I stand in for Cheek's mommy.

What My Kids Have Taught Me About God part 3

Why do you not want to spend your Saturday helping our church with this task? You are suppose to think of others, give your time, and not be selfish. God will bless you for it, sweet one.
You don't want to give a little bit of that money you saved? Always be willing to give your money to support a mission. Show love to people and support spreading the gospel. Why are you being selfish?
If I "grow" (or kick, drag, push, or yank) my children to become more like Christ will they be more like Him? Is this something I can accomplish?

God has been showing me that he is not in love with a future version of who I'm trying to mold my kids to be. He loves them just the way they are. Sanctification is a lifelong process, so that must mean it's not going to be finished in the 18 years I've got with my kids. My kids can't understand spiritual things the way I can....well I guess not. I've been a Christian 27 years. My kids- 2 years, 3 years, and 8 years. I am just a few feet down this long road of sanctification. It's going to take my kids a minute to get there. My job is to teach them the word and to intercede for them in continuous prayer as they walk this road. Then I think of these strangers I have started to walk with. Most of these birth families are not even on this path. They are stuck in the thorns of deception tangled up with the controlling enemy.

My kids are the easiest people on earth for me to love. Parents get that. It's an unconditional love that you don't have for anyone else. I think birth families then might be the hardest people on earth to love. They have hurt a child you love. So if  accepting and helping my kids where they are right now while hoping and praying they continue to grow is this stressful, how much harder is it for me to do that for strangers? Strangers that I have a pretty good reason to not even like. It's HARD. It's impossible for me alone, but not impossible with the Holy Spirit. I would like to give up on them. They deserve it, but thank God because of Jesus he doesn't give me what I deserve. He's not in love with who I want to be. He's in love with me. He's in love with the birth families I am walking with. He loved them so much he gave his life for them....not a better or future version of them. Then can I love them right now? Will DHR push and pull them into a better life or should I pray for their salvation? Can anyone make them be a better parent or will they need a renewed heart and mind? Can I forgive them? Can I pray for them to learn to parent better? Will I watch them mess it up terribly and still cheer them on? Am I willing to give them the time to grow? Or will I give up too soon? Will I love and protect their child until they're ready and not lose hope that one day they will be ready?


A servant of The Lord must not quarrel but must be kind to everyone, be able to teach, and be patient with difficult people. Gently instruct those who oppose the truth. Perhaps, God will change those people's hearts, and they will learn the truth. Then they will come to their senses and escape the devil's trap. For they have been held captive by him to do whatever he wants.

2 Timothy 2:24-26

What My Kids Have Taught Me About God part 2

I can't be a good parent. I swing back and forth between feeling like I'm doing a good job and feeling like I'll never get it right. Sometimes I think I'm doing really well. Then one of the kids will make a really rotten decision, say something really unloving, and/or I'll act like an idiot about it. I must be a terrible parent, because if I was a good mom we wouldn't struggle like this. Finally, I am beginning to learn I am not in control. I am not my kids' Holy Spirit. Only God can be that in their lives. I have a part in leading them to Him. But it doesn't end with me. Every good moment I've had teaching them spiritual things is nothing compared to the personal moments God will have with my children. There is a lot of freedom in that. It frees me of guilt and shame of past mistakes and fear of the future. It also gives me a glance of the grace that God gives to me and gives me a desire to show that same grace to my kids. None of us are perfect. I've been too cautious about letting them make their own choices and inevitably their own mistakes. I'm not lowering my standards for them and I will continue to teach them His ways, but I am freeing myself of fear. I am not alone. There is another power at work here. When I look at what my choices for them would have been and the opportunities God has given them, I rejoice I'm not in charge!

I would have chosen safety, tranquility, their own room, nicer clothing, more of my attention, more stuff, and more activities.

God led our family to other things.

He gave my boys a chance to share their clothes, shoes, and room with their friend. He lead them to chose to give up their bed and sleep on a futon mattress on the floor for months, so their friend could have a bed. He gives them conflict in the mornings when someone wears what one had thought about wearing, and He teaches them to give in unselfishly.

He led us to ask our daughter to give up having her own room. He's teaching her what it means to love the least of these. He is changing her heart to understand how important it is to be hopeful that anyone can change. He's broken her heart, so we can teach her who to run to.

Never would I have chosen these things for my children. They're too hard. Isn't everyone's desire for their children to have "magical", carefree, happy childhoods? It was exactly what I wanted for them, but God spoke to us so loudly we couldn't help but listen. We didn't choose this life. The choice isn't credited to us. He sought after us hard. It was everything I never wanted for my children. But through this lifestyle, God had these moments, these personal moments with each of my children, prepared to work in their favor and His glory. And I get to watch it all.

What My Kids Have Taught Me About God part 1

My oldest son had terrible colic. He cried from stomach pain for the first 4 months of his life. On top of that for the first couple months, he had his days and nights mixed up. I remember rocking him many nights with tears flowing down my face from exhaustion as he cried for hours at a time. He slept in short spurts it seemed. It was overwhelming. Was I angry at my newborn? Of course not, he is my son. I know crying is just what babies do. I love him with everything in me, because he is mine.

I struggle with thinking I should be farther into sanctification than I am. I am angry when I recognize a sin and can't immediately lay it down and walk away. I begin to think that God is disappointed with my progress. I think if I can work on this certain thing more I can please Him. This way of thinking doesn't bring me closer to God. It makes me feel like I need to go away and come back when I've got it right. That is how I know it's a lie.

God looks at me how I looked at my newborn. There was nothing that precious boy could have done that would have made me love him less. I was crazy about him just because he was mine. Does sin make God angry? Yes, it does. Is God angry at me? Is there anything I could do to make him love me more? love me less? No. He knows sin is just what humans do. He loves me with everything in Him, because I am His.

But God showed his great love for us by sending Christ to die for us while we were still sinners. And since we have been made right in God’s sight by the blood of Christ, he will certainly save us from God’s condemnation. For since our friendship with God was restored by the death of his Son while we were still his enemies, we will certainly be saved through the life of his Son. So now we can rejoice in our wonderful new relationship with God because our Lord Jesus Christ has made us friends of God.

 Romans 5:8-11

Worship

There's a calm that covers me

When I kneel down at your feet

It's a place of healing

It's a place where I find freedom

I sang this song as I rocked her.  She's been in our home five weeks, and this is the first time she has ever let me rock her to sleep. During the day, she laughs, babbles, hugs, smiles, and kisses. But there are evenings and bedtimes when she thrashes about, bites, kicks, pinches, and scratches. The only way to get her down for the night is to lay her down alone in her crib in the complete dark and close the door. She pulls the cover over her head and sleeps peacefully. But how I have wanted her to know me, to trust me enough to fall asleep in my arms. As I sang to her tonight, she wrapped her little arms around me and patted my back. She tilted her forehead toward my kisses. And when I felt her body go limp in sleep, I worshiped the God who gives peace...the God who calms the soul.

He complains about his chore again tonight. It's his turn to wash dishes. Like all 15 year-olds, he tries to get out of it. And he has for 2 days. But if he lives here, then he lives here. He's no longer a guest. He's not getting away with it again today. In typical teenager form, he agrees to a bargain. He unloads the dishwasher and I load. Later as I come down the hall, I see him sitting alone in the bedroom looking at his phone. He has peace here in our home. I kiss him goodnight just like I do my boys, and he says "I love you." He has a mom, dad, grandparents, and brothers that love him, but he's part of my family too. And I worship the sovereign God that made our paths cross.

I worship you Lord for the peace and freedom I find in you.

It sounded so scary to love children that don't belong to you...won't always be with you...that you don't raise from the beginning...that might be different than your children...that might be broken and hurt and in chaos. It sounded like such a hard job. 

I'm so thankful God calmed my fears, because loving these two is the easiest thing I've ever done.

Heart Checkup

We recently completed our 6 month "checkup" in our foster licensing. It was pretty painless. We mostly just had to turn some paperwork in.

I've been doing a self-checkup too. I've learned some, but not that much, about parenting kids from hard places in the last 6 months. I have learned a tremendous amount about myself. I don't like ANY of the things I've learned.

I am so selfish. I knew it to some extent, but I had no idea how bad it was. Man, foster care has really brought it to the light. With every call, my first thoughts are always about how it will affect me. My thoughts quickly go to how it will affect my children. But that's it. That's as far as my flesh takes me. "Me, my 4 (5 in my case), and no more" is a motto I never intended to take on but quietly slipped into place. Nothing in my physical body makes me want to love the people outside of my family. In fact, I fight against my flesh DAILY to love people. I did this foster thing to love kids AND their families. I really did it with the right intentions. But I really want it to be convenient for ME. Mom hasn't seen her baby girl in almost 4 weeks, but my first thought is, "I hope the visit doesn't interfere with Chubby Cheek's nap time, because that could totally ruin my evening when she comes back ill."

I think the world revolves around me. I am sacrificing. I sacrifice my time, my comfort, my money. I didn't have to do this, but I am. For the last three weeks we've come home to a baby that has had a hard time adjusting. We've seen some behaviors that make us sad, irritated, and really tired. All this means the world should look at me differently. Don't ask me to volunteer for your thing. Don't be mad when I forget something important. Don't be mad when I don't give extra. Don't be mad when I don't have time to act concerned about you. Don't ask anything else of me. Because I am sacrificing. And I can only think of myself, and you should be thinking about me too.

That's how I feel.

This is what I know.

We are called to put others above ourselves. We are called to live as servants. That's not a choice. It's a command. So if I don't get to kick back and read a book on Saturday morning or can't stay awake to watch my favorite tv show....nothing has been taken away from me.

Since you have heard about Jesus and have heard the truth that comes from Him, throw off your old sinful nature and your former way of life, which is corrupted by lust and deception. Instead, let the Spirit renew your thoughts and attitudes. Put on your new nature, created to be like God-truly righteous and holy.
Ephesians 4:21-24

I'm so thankful God gives me grace and sees me as a work in progress.

Friends, will you also give me grace?

Lord, help me see birth families through the eyes of grace. Help me give grace as much as I desire it.

Dear Momma

Dear Momma,
Your precious chubby-cheeked baby girl gave me the sweetest, squishiest good night kiss tonight. She's beautiful. So sweet. Her crinkled-nose smile lights up our home. I'm sure the absence of it brings you darkness. What I thought was such an inconvenience today turned out to be divinely appointed. We had to see your doctor today instead of ours. I got to see the look of surprise on the doctor's and nurses' faces when I explained who I was. The doctor went through Chubby Cheek's history with me. You sat there in that same spot only three weeks ago. I heard about how you took her in for ear infections, immunizations, and fevers. I heard about which medicine proved to work last time she had an earache. We got that same one.  There were a couple of times you took her in only to be told it was a virus. I wonder if you felt like I do when I hear that, "well, better safe than sorry," or "I should have waited a little longer." I want you to know I still think you are a good mom. Most people assume we became foster parents to adopt, but we began fostering to love your baby ...and you. Mistakes and all we love you. I've heard what happened. I have walked in similar shoes, and I understand how it could have happened. In my mind, I chose the same as you more than once. The difference is my thoughts stayed thoughts, and yours became action. The difference- I have forgiveness and the Holy Spirit to redirect my thoughts, but your actions are broadcasted aloud in a courtroom. I'm so sorry you didn't have help. I'm sorry you felt hopelessness that lead you to where you went.
I hope to know you. I want to tell you how we are the same. I want to tell you why I'm different. I want you to know there is hope. I want you to know Him.

Love,
Your Friend

Plans are for Sissies

If you know me, you know my life revolves around plans. Being a teacher, my daily life is planned out weeks in advance. I have very carefully planned out my personal life, too. Mike and I were married while I was on winter break in college. Nine months later I got pregnant. Nine months later I had Levi two weeks after the spring semester ended. Nine months later I got pregnant with Luke. Nine months later he was born the day after I graduated from college. Mike got a little nervous about baby #3, so 11 months later we got pregnant. Nine months later Grace was born. I wanted to be a stay-home mom until Grace started school. I started to work on the day Grace started Kindergarten. I like a good plan.

Then enter the world of foster care. It’s messing with my mind.

Monday- Call #1 Can you take a 6 month old? We go buckle in the infant carrier.

Call #2 How about her 2 year old sister too just for tonight? We buckle in the other carseat.

 

Tuesday- Call #1 They actually found another foster family to take both of the girls. Their case worker will come pick them both up today. We pack up all their things. And then we get snowed in. And our dryer breaks. Mike works on it enough that we can get a few more months out of it.

Call #2 Do you think you could keep them both until Friday?

 

Friday- We pack them up again. Call #1 I haven’t heard from the case worker yet, but I am coming at 2:00 to meet them, visit with you guys, and get some paperwork done.

Call #2 Can you keep them until Monday? I wish we could keep them forever.

 

Monday- We pack them up again. I take them to daycare and leave all their things for the SW to pick up. Call from daycare- They haven’t been picked up yet. I go to daycare to get them. I put all their stuff back in my car. They are picked up at my house Monday evening. They drive away as the 2 year old is screaming, “I want you, Grace!”

 

Tuesday- Can you take a three year old tomorrow? I meet a friend to pick up a booster seat that night. I will need to leave right after work the next day.

 

Wednesday- Mike works through lunch, so he can leave early. We get someone to take the big kids to church, so we can go pick her up. Something happened at court. Can you pick her up Friday afternoon? Mike and I go out to eat instead.

 

Friday- Mike is off work. He changes the convertible baby bed to a toddler bed. I leave work a few minutes early. I pick him up. We head to Birmingham. Call #1 We don’t know what the court has decided yet. But Mike and I continue driving so they won’t be waiting on us to get there when a decision is made. As we get off the interstate we get a call. Call #2 She will not be going into care. Mike and I grab a doughnut and coffee and head back home.

 

Monday- Call #1 Something happened can you still take her? The case worker will be there at 4:15. The kids and I do a mad dash to clean the house. 4:15 comes and goes. Mike comes home. We debate starting dinner. Do we want to be eating when they come in? 5:00 We decide they can watch us eat. Call #2 Something happened at court. It will reconvene Thursday. We will bring her to you at 4:15.

 

Thursday- They finally bring THE DIVA. She has our hearts immediately. 

Saturday- Our washing machine floods our laundry room. Mike knocks the back screen door off getting the washer outside.

 

Sunday- My awesome mother-in-law buys The Diva a complete new wardrobe which she sings about all the way home.

 

Monday- The Diva and I argue about wearing her church dress to daycare. “But it’s sooooo pretty!”  We choose a super cute shirt and blue jeans instead, a headband, earrings, and new shoes. This gal is going to give me that girly experience I failed to squeeze out of Grace. Yay! She eats dinner in a Strasburg Lace dress which we can wash in our new washer and dryer.

 

Tuesday- I leave the best dressed Diva at daycare. She’s happier today but still nervous. I cup her face in my hands and promise her I am coming back. I will not leave her here. I will come back. Call #1 The Diva is being picked up from daycare to be moved to a relative’s care. They aren’t able to wait until you get out of school and can say goodbye or pack up her things. Later that night Call #2 Are you ready for a new placement…..or do you need some time to rest? There’s a 1 year old and a 3 year old. They will come Thursday.

 

Wednesday- Mike changes the toddler bed back to a baby bed. I get a message that says we need to be prepared for a long term placement. Perhaps even as long as two years. We do some serious praying and talking to each of the kids.

 

Thursday- Our worker waits in our living room with us. About the time she shows us a picture of one of the girls….Call #1- Just wanted to let you know that the girls went to family. I tell my worker, “I’m Okay. Call me tomorrow if you need us.” I fully expect her call.

 

Friday- Call #1 Can you take an 18 month old Monday?

 

Saturday- Mike hauls off the old washer and dryer and backdoor. Later that evening, the boys’ closest shelving falls to the ground.

 

Do you feel my confusion? frustrations?

 

Why would God choose a ministry for us that goes so very against our nature?

 

Because it’s not about us.

 

It’s for His glory not ours.

 

I’ve been pretty amazed with my sweet husband. He reminded me that we felt God calling us to love on kids and help families as they are being restored. He said, “It doesn’t matter if they are here 30 minutes or 3 years. While they are here they are not being abused, molested, or neglected. While they are here they will be fed, warm, and loved on. We don’t need some great master plan. We just do what we know we are supposed to do….with no timeframe.  And Jesus says it is just like we are doing it for Him.”

 

So, I’ll try to wake up each morning and not plan my day. I’ll surrender it to Him instead….to whatever He has for me this day. I’ll let Him do the planning. And I’ll try to go with it, but it won’t be easy for this planner. I don’t like giving up control…………..ugh, hard to admit this, but it’s what my actions reflect….I don’t believe God has a better plan than me. Lord, forgive me and draw me closer.

 

It’s okay if I can’t adapt and be all flexible and accommodating to this crazy life of fostering. Instead of looking like I can handle this….I’ll find joy in knowing He will get me through it.

 

Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me. For the sake of Christ, then, I am content with weaknesses, insults, hardships, persecutions, and calamities. For when I am weak, then I am strong.

                                                                                                                2 Corinthians 12: 9-10

Anxious

I'm anxiously awaiting our new placement. Our snow babies stayed even longer than expected and went home Monday. The next day we got a call for a three year old. Some unexpected things happened, and we had to wait a couple more days to get her. We are so excited to meet her. We talked about the possible behaviors we might see from a three-and-a-half-year old coming into foster care. This could be tough. Small children consume your freedom and comfort in the best of circumstances anyway. Those snow babies about wore us out. I started thinking about why I am so excited for something that will be so hard. I figured it out this morning.

In my Bible study this morning, I read a story about a man who's grandmother had passed away. After 50 years of marriage his grandfather was just lost. Trying to ease some of the loneliness the man went and spent the night with his grandfather. They enjoyed each other's company that evening, and when it was time to go to bed the grandfather asked what the man would like to have for breakfast. The man gave his request and went to bed. Later he got up for a drink of water. He walked into the kitchen to find a lavishly set table. His grandfather was so excited to serve him breakfast. He was anxious about the fellowship he was going to have with his grandson come morning.

I can't wait to meet this little person today. I can't wait to see what she looks like, her personality, her voice. But I am so anxious for the opportunity to serve God. Anxiously awaiting for it to begin, because the fellowship during it is so good. And to think that he has already set this up in anticipation of spending time with me....well, that just overwhelms me.

Snow Babies

We met a social worker supervisor Monday night and picked up a baby girl and her two year old sister. Our agency planned for us to keep the baby and another family to take the 2 year old, but they wanted us to take both for the first night. Evidently after we already had the girls, a DHR foster family was found that could take them both. We didn't know that until later. Tuesday morning I took off work to be with the baby, and I was expecting someone to come get the two year old. Then it started to snow. I became worried that the baby would run out of formula, so I contacted my social worker to see when they were coming. I didn't want to miss them while I was at the store. It soon became clear that no one was going anywhere. My husband headed home after making a stop for formula. He ended up leaving his truck on the side of the road and catching a ride with someone. I thought my kids were going to be spending the night at school, but they eventually made it to a friend's house where Mike was able to pick them up. I'm assuming the shelter care hearing got canceled Wednesday. DHR wants me to keep the girls until Friday afternoon. I have a full time job. I can take off work a few times a year when we get long term placements, but I'm not sure if I'll ever be able to be as flexible as they need me to be. I'm so very thankful for my church. We plan on the church daycare taking the girls Friday when I return to work. I don't want to try to plan ahead of God, but I was pretty worried for a bit. I think this week worked out just as He planned. I guess unlike our meteorologist God knew all along we would be available this week. Oh, and the foster mom that was suppose to take the two year old....she was snowed in at her school overnight. Please be in prayer for these sweet babies, their mom, the foster family they will go to on Friday, and always our family. Pray that God will make a way for us to do what He has called us to....pray that I won't panic and need it all to make sense to me.

Moments

There are those magnificent moments in life that are etched into your memory for eternity. Colors. Smells. Emotions. You can remember those moments so vividly. Mike's face. I can see it now. Astonishment. Fear. Joy. I can see each one pass over his eyes. Then he smiles at me. "Oh my God. Oh my God," he quickly blurts out in a praise of awe. And then the doctor hands me our son. I hear Levi's inhale and then his cry and although I can't take my eyes off our baby's face, I can feel Mike's hand touch my shoulder and I know he feels it too....love... like nothing I've known before.  Amazing.

A  nurse wakes me from a deep sleep, and says my little man can't let me sleep any longer. I take the baby from her and look at him. He is finally wide awake. His hair clean and brushed, the purple fingers pink now and he sucks on them. He's so hungry, and as I bring Luke close to me, I smell the baby wash they've used; he smells so good. I can still smell it. We stare into each other's eyes for the next hour. Sleeping daddy, busy nurses, dark, quiet room. Just the two of us, and I fall deeply in love.

Gray. It's suppose to be pink. There's one pink line but one very faint gray one too, and there's nothing in the directions about gray! Is it a yes or no? Two toddlers pull on my legs wanting to be held. I'm standing in the bathroom trying to figure out what gray means, but in my heart I KNOW we are going to need some pink for my sweet baby girl Grace.

"She's 18 months old. I just knew you would want to take her. Do you?" Two social workers and the baby step into my living room 2 days later. I've never met any of them, but my eyes are searching to get my first look at this baby. We've imagined and talked about what she could look like. She is so much smaller than I expected. Another baby. Another precious moment of meeting. Her eyes are huge. She looks terrified. I don't want to scare her, so I talk to her first. She looks around the room. Her eyes make my heart hurt for her. And that feeling of wanting to protect her is immediate because of those huge, fearful eyes.  I take her and sit down on the floor. There's paperwork at the kitchen table, so after a few minutes we get up. Are they seriously going to just hand us a baby and leave? This is crazy and sad and exciting. After talking and watching her get comfortable the workers decide it's time to leave. We leave the toys in the bedroom to walk the workers out. We close the door and V takes Mike's hand and says, "et's go," and she leads him back to her new room.

Most people only get a few of these beautiful moments in their lives. I get more. How lucky am I?

We had to say no to a newborn little boy this week. I pray his precious face is etched into someone's heart.

Waiting for our next moment....

Again

We just had a precious baby boy spend the weekend with us! Of course, we compared every single thing he did to Baby V. We got to see V on Christmas Eve. She ran around her house showing us all her toys. She kept going to Mike with books, but she was too excited to sit still for too long! Spending time with her made our Christmas perfect. Grace has really missed her little roomie, but  she is doing well. I follow a couple foster mommas' blogs, and there is such confirmation when I read my own thoughts in someone else's words. This is not just my story. This is a work of redemption by my Savior and partly carried out by foster families. Those families are facing the same fears we are, but God comes through for them just as he has for us.  I know this truth, but there was certainly a moment I could hear the lies. It was heart wrenching to see Grace so upset. It made me literally ache, and I started hearing, "You shouldn't do this to your kids. It's not worth it." As my stomach lurched into my throat, and I had this horrible feeling of heaviness I thought about how easy it would be to say we will not be doing this again. But I went back and reread a comment on another mom's post. A comment made by a woman whose parents fostered for years. And I saw my Grace. A future version of her that will tell me it's okay to break her heart again.  Her words helped me focus on the truth. 

http://www.thishighcalling.blogspot.com/2013/11/im-scared-part-two.html?m=1

My parents began doing foster care when I was 6 years old and continued for 23 years, until my mom died suddenly this past May. I remember crying myself to sleep as I grieved little ones who had left our home. My mom worried that she'd scarred me for life. And she had. But scars are not always bad things. My heart was forever changed by loving those babies and watching my parents love them. I grew up knowing Jesus, not just because my parents told me stories about Him, but because they brought Him into my house. I watched my parents invite Him in, clothe Him, and care for Him when He was hurting. And if your family is anything like mine, your boys aren't just watching . . . they're doing it, too! They're loving the least of these because you're showing them that's where Jesus is. I could list a million reasons why I think bringing foster children into your home is beneficial for your birth children, but this is the most important one: you're helping them see JESUS. You're a wonderful mom.

We are doing this again. Back to the waiting game. We are waiting for the next little person who will no doubt change our lives and hearts forever. 

Mandy