Our First Goodbye

Today we gave Baby V to her daddy to go home permanently. There is peace in my heart. He's fought long and hard for what was his. Part of my soul rejoices with him. Part of me finds joy in knowing that V will never feel unwanted. When she has a longing that any little girl would have for her mom, she will hear the story of how her daddy fought with everything in him to get her. And I pray that will make up for what's missing. 

As a mom, I'm having mixed emotions. I felt pure joy watching V's daddy tear up with relief and satisfaction. His battle finally won. I was .....can't think of a word worthy of my feelings...when he started his statement to the lawyers with "I want her foster parents to stay a part of our lives." This case is beautiful, sad but still beautiful. Everyone did their job well. This story has a happy ending. Then I watched my children lose her. They can't really understand the magnitude of what has happened here. Yes, my children are heartbroken. And yes, I knew it would come. And yes, I chose to do it to them. I've counted the cost. I have thought through everything before V ever entered our door. It's only been a few months, but it was so easy to fall in love quickly. And in the day to day living it was very hard to stop your mind from picturing what forever could have looked like. 

Loss is hard. People's automatic response to foster care is, "I could never do that. I could never give them back." But you could. If you don't then who will? Someone who won't love them wholeheartedly? Do they deserve that? That precious baby girl deserved to be loved... and grieved. God says, "My power is made perfect in weakness." There's no way I can do this, but because of His power I will. 

Tonight I have to keep reminding myself that this is not about my kids. It's easy to forget. So why didn't we wait until our children were older or moved out or could fully understand? This is why:

If you love your father or mother more than me you love me, you are not worthy of being mine; or if you love your son or daughter more than me, you are not worthy of being mine. If you refuse to take up your cross and follow me, you are not worthy of being mine. If you cling to your life, you will lose it; but if you give up your life for me, you will find it. 

This is the life scripture says to live. It's not about me. It's not about my kids. It's not even about V. It's about Him. 

Back in January, we sat our kids down and read them the scriptures that we believed called us to move forward with this thought of foster care. I think of all that has happened this past year. The fear, the spiritual warfare, the kinks, the answered prayers, God drawing us nearer, learning who Jesus really is and what he asks of us, the changes I see in us-We are no where close to what we should be, but I want to always keep moving in that direction! 

There have been so many "I could never"s  laid down and replaced with "With His power I could." Some of those nevers I spoke aloud and some were hidden in my heart as I said no to fully trusting God. I said I could never have the time or resources for more kids. Turns out I do. I said I could never invite a child older than my kids into my home, but I did. I love that boy so much. I could never go back to diapers, crying, and waking in the night, but I did. I could never love a birth family and cheer for their reunification, but I have. I could never love a baby and give her up, but I am. It was all worth it. Jesus is so worth it. It was all beautiful and broken and happy and sad. It was all full of God's presence.  And that made it worth it. Oh how I hope that each year of our lives we will experience God like we have this year!

Clinging to His Promises of Healing,

Mandy

Isaiah 58:7-12

Matthew 25:34-40   Mark 9:36-37   Acts 4:32-35   Galatians 5:13-14   James 1:27   James 2:14-17 James 4:17

Granny Drags Up

How do I do it all? I don't.

I  have a husband that does a lot. And I've been known to withhold dinner from my kids until they load the dishwasher, clean their room, take out the trash, etc. And I HAD a little secret named Granny Fay. My grandmother lives next door, and since adding the baby to our crew I've been paying my granny to do our laundry and clean up our breakfast dishes while we're at school. Every day. Every single week day. She sorted, washed, dried, folded, put on hangers, and left our clothes for us to put up when we walked in from school. So hours worth of work took us about 10 minutes to put away. 

7 people's laundry, 1 little granny........she drug up yesterday. 

I....I don't have words. Stupid Thanksgiving break. 

I announced it to the family last night.

Me: Granny Fay quit today. 

Mike: WHAT?!!!!

Blake: Oh CRAP!

Grace: Noooooo!!!

Luke: We should've made her sign a year's contract!

Mike: I'm calling her. She has to work out a 2 week notice! This ain't no union.

I'm quitting too. I don't know what they are going to do.

Jerry Springer

I can't stand Jerry Springer. Yet, I've not only invited him in for my family to watch, but I've asked him to sit down on my couch, prop his feet up, stay a while.

Would Jesus have loved Jerry Springer's show? 

He would have been appalled at the sin. But would he have turned the TV off? Would he have loaded up my family in the SUV and said something like, "Let's go to Sunday School and be a nice normal family and not corrupt ourselves with those people's sin. Let's stay as far away as we can." Or would he have sat down on the couch with "those people" and saw them as broken needing a Savior? I really want to be the family that stays away, stays clean, stays above all "those people" ....but...I haven't stayed away from sin, I've been made clean by the blood of the Lamb, I am one of those people. Yet, I feel like I've chosen to give up calm for chaos, give comfort to be stretched, ease for the unknown, joy for sadness, blissfully unaware for burdened, self-reliance for warfare. I listen and watch my foster friends, and I know that this is just how it is.  I've jumped into this Jerry Springer world. Disgust, doubt, lies, surprise. It could make a great show. It can make you want to pull the plug. 

But... I know the answer. I've read about Matthew and Zacchaeus  and Mary.

Would y'all help me pray that I'll remember who    HE   IS    and that this is His script. Pray I'll let go of how I want to live. 

Trying to surrender all,

Mandy

Appearances

Appearances 

Mike and I have watched people transfer kids, carseats, and bags on Friday evenings at the gas station near our house. It seems to be a neutral meeting place for divorced parents. I remember Mike commenting one time, "I bet that's really hard." Sometimes you people-watch and wonder about their circumstances. Sometimes you are thankful their situations are not yours. 

     I did the baby swap tonight at a very busy fast food restaurant. Being a people-watcher I understood  when the lady sitting beside us watched carefully trying to figure out  what was going on. V brought lots of attention to us as she babbled da da da da dad-dy! as I whispered in her ear,"Sit still and let's watch for daddy." Her dad came in and immediately began apologizing for being late. I explained it was not a big deal at all. I began to tell him about her medication and the diapers and wipes I packed for him. Then I said, "This is my other son Luke," to which Luke responded, "Nice to meet you." It's then that I started to really feel the lady's stares. I continued to give directions to V's dad. Each time he said, "Yes, m'am." Then I said, "Call me if you need anything. Y'all have a good time." He said, "Yes m'am. Thank you. I'll be on time Sunday. I'm so sorry about that." I almost starting laughing. The lady had to be lost at this point. 

     But my favorite part of the night was when I was standing at the car trying to put V's shoes on. Grace realized that we were blocking the people parked next to us from getting into their car. I apologized and explained V would not leave her shoes on. We are constantly having to put them back on. 

Later, Luke said, "Mom, I bet I know what those people were thinking." 

I totally expected him to say, "Look at those nice people trying to help that man and his little girl." 

Instead my sweet Luke said, "I bet they thought, 'That lady is way too old to still be having babies." 

Ugh. Kids will always help you with that pride issue. 

Ever-Changing

It is strange to have a family that is ever-changing. It's weird to think the boy I wake in the mornings and yell, "I love you!" when he gets out during carline could go back to being the friend that sleeps over on Fridays. The baby I endure vaccinations with, long nights, and cranky bedtimes will be gone in a month. Sweet kisses, songs in the car, delight when she sees me open the door in the nursery...it will all end soon. Then God reminds me that everything here is like a vapor and will soon come to an end. But there is an eternity that is real. I want my life to look like I believe that.

I'm Not Special

It doesn't take special people to do this. It takes a special God.

Stomach Viruses Come from Hell

November 1, 2013

 I don't know what kind of virus is upon this house. But it's a really nasty one. Luke and Baby V started feeling weird last Friday. Saturday it hit baby V hard...just as I took her to her first unsupervised and overnight visit with dad. Welcome to parenthood.  Then Blake. Sunday afternoon me. Monday night Grace. Tuesday Mike. I saw Levi spraying his hands and arms with Lysol. I told him to stop, but he IS the only one who hasn't had it. Thursday, I finally went to work. The house is back to as normal as we get. Friday I'm at work less than an hour when daycare calls me to get V. And now it's Friday night and Luke is throwing up again. Stomach viruses are from satan. Call me crazy. Yes I'm delirious from cleaning puke and high on Lysol fumes. But here are the facts.  August 30th, we are set to get Baby V. That morning, I wake up at 3:00 am throwing up. A month later we plan a birthday bash for Blake, so he feels like the rest of our kids who've just celebrated with big parties. Mike and I call for reinforcements and are in  Phenergan induced comas during the party. Sunday, my vision will begin to come to life as I have the chance to share my testimony with my small group. I know there are other families in our church that are going to step up and join God in this mission of foster care. I can't wait to share our story...if I'm not puking. I have to wonder if Satan is working against me.

 It's been a rough week, but I have learned a couple valuable things this week. One- I'm better than who I was yesterday, but I'm still a really wretched person. God still has a lot of work to do on me.  I learned I don't really want to suffer for the gospel, I was just okay with being slightly inconvenienced.  I made sure V's dad knew I took off work 4 days this week to care for his daughter. I pretended for the sake of teaching him what parenthood is all about. I think I may have just wanted him to know . The second thing I learned is this life is not normal. I have been called to love a child that is not my own like she is my own. I have worried about her this week, missed work for her, cleaned her up when she was sick, loved her, rocked her, had her pull my hair, pitch fits, get jealous when I try to love on the other sick kids, and take her to the doctor when I am sick myself. I've given her medicine today, prayed for her healing, and then packed her up. Today, she felt like mine. I know I'm being called to love her and treat her like she is mine. But today she just WAS mine. And then I dropped her off. I would not have been okay dropping Luke off with someone else tonight, but I just did that with my baby. As dad and I were saying goodbye V reached back for me and I took her in my arms. I hugged her, and I thought this is not normal.  I don't love foster care. I'm not good at foster care. But God didn't call me, because I  looked like I would be good at this. He just called me. I bring nothing of my own that is good except my faith in Him.

The End of Me

At first, I wanted to build a wall around my heart. I wanted to take this baby girl into my home and from the beginning remember and live like it was temporary. I didn't want to get too attached. I wanted to love her well. I certainly wanted to take care of her by meeting her needs. But I wanted to protect my heart, because she is only mine for a short season. Over the past few weeks, I've found my walls have crumbled away. When I see sweet girl's smile or marvel at the beauty of her hazel eyes or hear her giggle or comb her sweet, crazy curls, I see a beautiful worthy creation of my precious God. Why would I want to build a wall between us? Sweet girl and me, me and God, sweet girl and her Savior???
Someone once said to me, "I would get attached. And if I had to give them back.........it'd be the end of me."

..... and I agree.

Yes, this is the end of me. This is where my fears suffocate me. This is where my desires stand center stage. This is where MY plans for MY life seem right. This is where I am unwilling to give my  schedule for His glory. This is where I want to stop, because I can't watch my own children suffer loss. This is where I question how I can parent another child when I'm not even a good enough mom to my own children. This is where I have to make sure there is time left for myself and I shout, "I have a right to think about me!" This is where I am tempted to say no, because saying yes will hurt so badly.

This IS the end of me.

But thank God this is not all of me. This is where I end and mercy and grace begin. This is where The Holy Spirit whispers, "It's not even about you." This is where Jesus answers "You are who I say you are. You are enough because I am more than enough." This is where God promises to heal my wounds. I trust He will make my faith and strength like an ever-flowing spring. This is where I become aware, truly aware, of time and live like there is an eternity that matters. This is where I learn to flesh out being Jesus to a lost world. This is where my family uses their unique spiritual gifts for His glory. This is where we take on a ministry in our home that isn't natural for us but is evident in scripture. This is where Jesus lets a little girl feel safe and loved even if its only for a while. This is where she hears His name.  This is where a seed may begin to grow...His words not to come back void. This might be where a broken daddy hears he has worth. It might be how he finds the One who will model what a father looks like.....This could be where Jesus brings repentance and restoration to a family that desperately needs Him. This is where I choose obedience and know it will bring suffering.

Sweet baby girl,  I'll recklessly love you. You are worth it.

Jesus, you're worth facing any fears. You are worth giving my time, my comfort, my tears, my heart. Thank you for taking me past the end of me, so I can make this about you.

Momma

September 6, 2013

She called me momma yesterday. When I turned around, she looked me in the eyes and was grinning ear to ear...like she knew she was testing it out. And my heart skipped a beat.

Baby V

August 31, 2013

She is here! We got the call a couple of days ago to let us know we were officially liscensed AND there was an 18 month old that needed a place to stay. I wish you could have seen my kids' excitement! We've been talking about this for months, and it is finally real. We had a wonderful first day and night. She slept all night and was so happy this morning!