When Love Is Not Enough

     I want to tell you what has been going on with us, but I've had the hardest time figuring out what part of it to share. The truth is I haven't figured it all out in my head yet or my heart either. Some of it I feel like isn't mine to share. And parts of it will paint some in a negative light. So I've tried to go back and really think: Bottom line, why am I writing a blog? 

To update family and friends?

To encourage foster parents, those serving or those who will be called to serve -maybe even through this blog? 

To tell the world about foster care and the ups and downs? 

To get my thoughts on paper...(or online) to help myself process?

Yes to all those, but ultimately 

to make His name known. 

    I am certain I was suppose to say yes to these girls. We tried really hard to make that yes work. Sometimes love is not enough...and that breaks my heart. I thought it was. Big Sis was desperate to go home-her real home. It's not happening, and I hurt for her.  

    All that paperwork to get licensed as foster parents? It's important. That ridiculous amount of times you have to write about your and your family's strengths and weaknesses? You better know them. 

    When you get that phone call, don't hope for the best case scenario. Listen closely. Read between the lines. Let your imagination run wild and expect that scenario. Then count the cost and see if you can do THAT. Because I don't wish the heartache of a disruption on anyone. 

     I know myself a little better than I did. I know my God better too. But I can't make sense of why I was certain in my yes and why that yes fell apart. I hope we were just a bridge Big Sis had to cross to get to a better place. 

      I'm confused, but I know Him. I know He is always good. I'm uncertain, but I trust Him. I couldn't help Big SIs when I wanted so badly to be able to. I'm not sure if I'll ever know the reason things happened the way they did. I'm okay with that. 

      God has been showing me that although serving through foster care is good, it's His gospel that rebuilds people's lives. My love wasn't enough, and it was never suppose to be enough. I understand I was never their savior anyway. 

     Cookie (3 yrs.) is here with us for now. She got stuck with the nickname after a pretty major tantrum over some sweets one night at dinner. I think of that nickname now: I think of her sweet voice, sweet little smile, sweet little arms spread out wide to show me how much she loves me. "Cookie" seems to fit that sweetness perfectly. It's funny how things can start one way and end differently. Maybe one day I'll see the end and understand everything in between.